The Diary of Kim
by Superpsych96
Summary: Seventeen year old Kim Crawford hasn't had the easy life she has been pretending she has. Under her bubbly and tough exterior is a girl pushed to the limit, who finally snaps. When Kim runs away from home, she has to grow up quick and fight her demons to find who she really is, and who really matters to her, and who she really matters to. The Chapter titles are suggested songs.
1. Where'd You Go: Fort Minor

**A/N: Zendaya Coleman is reprising her role as Lusa, Kim's best friend, because I never liked Grace. She wasn't around much and was always kind of a bitch. Also, I'm stealing James Roday's Shawn and Maggie Lawson's Juliet from the USA Network's TV show "Psych." Only them, so I don't have to call it a crossover. If you haven't seen Psych, get there.**

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 **Inside Kim's Head**

 _ **D:**_ _Where the fuck are you?_

 _ **K:**_ _Studying at Lusa's._

 _ **D:**_ _Why aren't you home?_

 _ **K:**_ _Because I can't type a paper without power?_

 _ **D:**_ _Don't cock off to me, girl! If you're not home by the time I get there..._

I hate my dad, you know? The guy really grinds on my nerves. Weird thing coming from a seventeen year old girl, but you'll understand.

"Luse, I gotta go," I tell my best friend in the world.

"What? Where are you going? What's wrong?" Lusa asks, looking all kinds of concerned. How pissed off I am right now must be showing.

"My dad," I say flatly. "He's on another drunk power trip and he's threatening me if I'm not home when he gets there."

"Kim, are you going to be okay?" Lusa sounds really worried this time. Me and my dad have had some serious problems before, and Lusa knows the jist of it, though not all of it.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," I wave off in my usual fashion. "I uh... I might be back later tonight..." I leave off, not quite sure what it means yet myself. I'm just kinda playing it by ear at this point. With my dad's drinking and my loose cannon temper, God only knows how this could blow up.

As I leave Lusa's and begin the quick walk home, about five minutes, I start thinking about everything I want to say to dear old dad. Things like how much I hate him. That he's a huge reason for my depression that's been getting harder and harder to hide. That he's the reason I'm experimenting with cutting. The man could drive anyone to drink, and I still think my mom is an idiot for staying with him. She thinks she's doing it for me.

Before I know it I'm storming up the path to my shitty, falling apart house. There's nothing cute about it.

"Alright, where is he!" I shout as I slam the door behind me. I'm done with this shit! "He wanted me back home so bad. Where is he?" My hands are shaking with rage and my head is beginning to ache.

"He's not home right now," my answers sheepishly as she comes in from the kitchen, wearing her fuzzy red bathrobe. She loves that thing.

"Then where the fuck is he?" I continue to yell, still beyond pissed. Mom would usually wonder what was up with my language, given that I don't swear around her, but my anger is evident enough, and who I'm angry at.

"He's at Catherine's doing homework for his online courses," my mom tells me.

"At Catherine's? He blows up my phone bitching at me fir not being home when he's at Catherine's, doing the same thing I was doing? What kind of horse shit is that?!" Catherine, by the way, is my dad's 'business partner' and his 'office' is a spare bedroom at her house.

"I know. He just said that you're part of the family, so you should be at home," my mom was the messenger, and I'm not going to blow up on her.

"No! That's not how this works! He can't preach this shit while he's at another woman's house while we're here. No. You know what? I'm done! I can't fucking handle living with him anymore!" I scream as I march up stairs to my bedroom.

With just the light of my phone because my parents failed to pay the electricity bill again, I find my karate duffel bag and fill it with all the clothes I can fit and the few small personal items that really matter.

Once I'm all packed, I charge back downstairs to find my mom in the kitchen, still sipping her tea.

"Mom, I need to get out of here. I can't handle living here anymore. I just can't do it," I say, sadness in me more now than rage. "I'm sorry, mom. I have to do what's best for me, and staying here isn't it. Do you see these?" I ask her, pulling up my knit sweater sleeve to show her the shallow angry knife lines across my wrist. "He's what I'm trying this for. He's the one that makes me feel like I need any kind if escape, even if it's endorphins from the blade of a knife. I love you mom, I need to get out of here," I explain in one giant rush.

"I understand," mom whispers as she pulls me into a tight hug. I drop my bag and hug her back with all I have. She's letting me do this, letting me go. Of all the things I thought she would say, that wasn't it.

We finish hugging it out and I pick up my bag and walk to the door. "Mom, you know I'll be okay, right?"

"Yeah Kim, I do," my mom says quietly. "Please stay in touch with me."

"I will," I promise as I leave the house and strut back up the road back to Lusa's. As I walk, what I just did is replaying in my head. I feel liberated and scared all that the same time.

I have no idea what to do. I have no job, I don't have any other family up here and I won't have much time at Lusa's. Lusa and her mom are damn poor in their own right. Their two room second floor apartment isn't much, but it's better than living on the street.

After that thought, I'm back at Lusa's, and glad to be because it's cold out. Well, cold for Seaford in October. I climb the stairs and try to re-center myself. I didn't cry when I left, but I was flustered and damn close to losing it. I hate losing it, but who doesn't?

I was raised strong. I don't like to talk _feelings_. I haven't cried since my good friend and teacher, Mr. Martin died last year. I've had a few breakdowns, fine, but those usually end in dry eyes screaming, me throwing shit and light cutting. But bottom line... I don't cry and I don't need to _talk_.

I knock on Lusa's door, because that's just how we work. We might as well be sisters, but we still keep the considerate formalities between us. I don't wait for her to open the door, letting myself in. Why should she get up to get the door when she knows it's me? I'm pretty much her only visitor, and nobody comes to my house. Brett does occasionally, but we haven't been doing great lately. More on that later.

I close the door behind me and sigh to myself, eyeing the couch that will be my home for the foreseeable future. I look up and see Lusa leaning on the doorway of her room.

"How's it going, Kim?" Lusa asks knowingly. She's not a 'let's talk and hug it out' girl, either. Probably one of the reasons we get along so well.

"Doing just fine. How are you?" I ask back, pretending like I didn't run away and burn down every bridge between me and my family. "So is it cool if I crash on your couch until I can work something out?" I ask sheepishly, already feeling like a burden.

"Yeah, just don't bleed on my couch," she says as she turns back to go to her room. "Oh, and if you need me for... well, anything..." she stops and points at her room. "And if you're hungry, there's some hotdogs in the fridge and bread in the cupboard. We don't have buns."

"Thanks, Luse," I smile weakly. I felt like crap, and feel like an even bigger pile now. Lusa's mom is on disability for her serious joint pain and a brittle bone disorder. Lusa's been trying to find work, but she just can't get in anywhere, and her lack of transportation isn't helping either. And here I am, sitting on their couch. The school's lunches never seemed as filling before as they do right now.

 _Hey Brett._ I text my boyfriend as I settle onto the couch for the night, but I know I won't be able to sleep.

 _Hey cutie, what's up?_ I smile at his ubcharacteristically quick response. He's terrible at quick replies, but he's always so damn busy with this or that. I'm lucky if we get out once a month. If it wasn't for seeing each other at school, we'd have a pretty strained relationship. I can say we're happy, though.

 _ **K:**_ _Um..._ Should I just simply put this? _I ran away from home. Tonight. I'm staying at Lusa's for a bit, but it's very temporary._

 _ **B:**_ _Oh no! That's horrible! Where will you go? I'd like you to stay with me, but you know my dad, he won't let that fly._

 _ **K:**_ _I wasn't asking to live with you because I figured about as much, haha._ I really don't find this funny.

 _ **B:**_ _Can we talk about this tomorrow? It's getting pretty late and I have practice tomorrow._

 _ **K:**_ _Sure. I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good night! I love you._

 _ **B:**_ _Good night!_

Wow. That one actually kinda stung a little bit. Brett is awarded absolutely no boyfriend points for that. I'm really not that surprised, though. Him being my boyfriend and all, I thought he was the one person I could open up to, the one I could cry on, you know? Not Brett. He's just kinda... cold, ya know? The only time I feel he was really there for me was when Mr. Martin died, and he even left the visitation early! I don't know if we're going to make it much longer, but I can't break us up right now, not after tonight. I need to be able to pretend I have a rock, you know?

My phone buzzes and I fish it out of my pants pocket. It's a message from Jack, my other best friend in the whole world.

 _ **J:**_ _Hey Kim! What's up!_

Do I tell Jack? Do I open up to this guy that thinks I'm strong, super tough and unshakable, or do I clam up and lie, tell him everything's fine?

 _ **K:**_ _Hi Jack! There's nothing crazy going on. Just crashing at Lusa's._

 _ **J:**_ _On a school night? You never sleep over on school nights._

 _ **K:**_ _I know, but I had to type out a paper, and I just decided to stay here._ I didn't lie. I just left a whole bunch out.

 _ **J:**_ _What happened to your computer?_

 _ **K:**_ _It wasn't working. It wouldn't come on. I got the paper done though, so I'm happy. :)_

 _ **J:**_ _Good. I'd hate to see you anything but. :) Good night, Kim._

 _ **K:**_ _Jack, wait. Are you going to be up for a little bit?_

 _ **J:**_ _I haven't been sleeping well lately, so yeah. What's up?_

I stop texting him and call him instead. It only rings once before he answers.

"Hey, Jack," I say, my voice sounding tired and out of breath.

"Kim, are you okay?" Jack asks, his voice sounding shaken like mine. He already knows that something is amiss. Jack really is a tentative guy.

"Uhm, yeah... I think... maybe..." at this stage, I don't even really know.

"What's wrong?" Jack cuts to the chase.

"I ran away, Jack," I tell him plainly but quietly. I know Lusa's not listening in, but she doesn't need to hear this, either.

"What happened?" Jack's voice is soft and I can hear the care dripping from his mouth. "Are you safe? Are you okay? Are you somewhere warm?" He just can't slow himself down.

"I'm okay for now, Jack. I'm staying at Luse's for now. My dad, he finally just... I'm done with him. I can't take him anymore, you know? He's just so..." my mind falters because I don't know what to say next. I don't know how to say everything I'm feeling. How do you convey this over a cellphone?

"I know, Kim, I know," Jack's voice seems oddly soothing to me tonight.

"I... I feel alone, Jack..." I admit.

"Besides Luse, does anyone else know?" Jack inquires.

"Just you two and Brett. I'm not sure my dad has been home to find out yet."

"Your dad doesn't even know you flew out yet?" That seems to concern him.

"I don't think so..." Like I said, I'm really not sure. "He hasn't blown up my phone or tried to come after me." Him coming after me. That's something I really hadn't thought of yet. Am I safe here?

"Kim, I don't like this. I understand you needed to get the hell out of there, and I don't blame you, but you should have had a plan," Jack lightly scolds me like a brother.

"I know, I know... but... I _had_ to get out, Jack. You don't know what living there is like, you don't know what I've had to put up with. I don't have your apple pie family," I say longingly, because god damn do I wish Shawn and Juliet were my parents. The Spencers are so wonderful, and they adopted Jack when he was so young, they really do seem and feel to him like they're his real parents. He has no problem calling them mom and dad, while mine feel more like 'Empty Shell and Asshole Chuck.'

"I'm so sorry, Kim. You said you told Brett?"

"Yeah, I did," I tell him, sighing into the phone pressed to my cheek as I bury myself under a fleece blanket on the couch. "He seemed... it didn't seem like a huge deal to me. He didn't even offer to stay up with me. I didn't ask, but what kind of boyfriend just sends himself to bed when his girl just told him she ran away?"

"Not a good one..." Jack mumbles and it almost slipped past me. "I'm sure he'll be there for you, Kim. As boyfriend, that's his job, right? And he should want to be there for you." Sometimes I wonder how Jack is still single.

"I hope so. And Kim... let me talk to my mom and dad. We're a lot more suited to keep you than Lusa. I'm sure mom and dad would take you in with smiling faces."

"Jack, no! There's no way I could..." The bastard hung up before I could say no! I drop my phone on the table and throw myself back onto the couch in a huff. What the fuck does Jack need to go tell his parents for? His adoptive mom is a detective! She might bring me back to fuckhead Chuck!

My phone vibrates on the table and I spring for it, hoping it's Jack. I check to see it's my dad again. He knows I'm gone, but I can't deal with this right now. I need sleep to deal with school and to try to work up a game plan tomorrow for my foreseeable future. Fuckhead Chuck will just have to wait.

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 **This was just a short intro chapter to see if it floats. If it does, the chapters will be longer and much more in depth. Thanks for reading and hit that review button!**


	2. Be My Escape: Reliant K

**Inside Jack's Mind**

I roll over to grab my phone, my alarm going off. I groan and drag my ass out of bed to collect my clothes for the day and take a quick shower.

As soon as I'm dressed, I head down stairs to where mom has breakfast made. Mom isn't really "mom" but she is, you know? I was adopted by Shawn and Juliet Spencer soon after their marriage. They wanted to try for kids, but Shawn's sterile. They decided to adopt, and they found me when I was ten years old at a shitty orphanage. I have no real memory of my biological parents. I can only guess as to why they gave me up.

"Morning, mom!" I greet Juliet cheerfully. Her job is super high stress, but she always does her best to be an incredibly loving wife and mom. She's great at it.

"Morning, Jack," Juliet smiles.

"Morning, buddy!" Shawn smiles at me from over his paper. He pretty much just reads the funny. Juliet tells him anything he'd actually need yo know. She's a detective and Shawn's a private investigator. Money isn't really a problem for us, but we're not loaded. That brings us to our next subject.

"Mom, dad... do you guys have a second?" I really don't know how to pose this.

"Sure honey, what's up?" Juliet asks, her brow furrowed and her hands wrapping around her coffee cup.

"It's about Kim," I begin.

"Did that Brett loser hurt her?" Shawn jumps to conclusions. "Jules baby, lend me your gun."

"No, it's not that," I roll my eyes at Shawn being just... Shawn. "It's her dad."

"Oh no," Juliet's hand clasps over her mouth. She can be overdramatic like that when it comes to ones she cares about. Her and Shawn dead people all the time, but family and friends is a no fly zone for them. "Is she okay? Is she hurt?" Juliet keeps going.

"I won't really know until I see her this morning, but I do know..." I pause, trying to find the best way to word this, "that she left."

"Left as in 'left for school' left or 'flew the coop' left?" Shawn asks. I'm pretty sure he knows what I mean, but he's covering all the bases in his own way.

"As in 'middle of the night,' 'gone for good' left," I clarify.

"Where is she? Is she safe? Does she have a place to stay?" Juliet keeps her voice calm, but her eyes are filled with that natural mother love that tells me she's going to explode at the wrong answer.

"She's at Lusa's for now, but that's not the best place for her to stay. You know Lusa's conditions. They can't support Kim, too," I point out what they already know.

"But we can!" Shawn says excitedly. "We even have a spare bedroom. She can totally stay with us, right Jules?" All eyes shoot over to Juliet.

"I've always liked Kim. We'll have to work on getting her emancipated, but I think her living with us may be the best course of action," Juliet agrees with us and takes another sip of her morning coffee. She takes less in it than Shawn. Shawn doesn't even like coffee, he just thinks it's something he has to do as an adult.

"How soon can she come?" This is Kim I'm talking about here. She's one of my best friends in the world. She's in some really hard times and I need her to be okay. I need her to be fed and to know she's cared for, that she's worth something, a lot, actually.

"We'll stop at Luse's after school to grab her stuff. Let her know at school that she can stay with us as long as she needs," Shawn tells me, an out of character moment of seriousness. "It'll be like a long as hell sleepover." And now he's back.

"You guys are the best!" I smile at them both as I gulp down the last of my milk and head for the door, Juliet right behind me.

"Have a good one, Jack. Stay out of trouble with the Black Lizards!" Shawn calls after me. I just shake my head with a smile. That's my adoptive dad for you.

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"Alright, Jack. Have a great day and remember to word it carefully to Kim. She's a strong girl, so you don't want to challenge her pride," Juliet tells me as if I didn't know her!

"Mom, I got this," I assure her because really, it's not a big deal. It shouldn't be hard to get Kim to see why this is the best move for her. Kim is definitely prideful, but the girl isn't stupid.

"I know. I just want you and her to know that Shawn and I care about her very deeply. She's been a great friend to you since we moved here, and we're more than happy to have her back," Juliet tells me with a winning smile.

"Thanks, mom. That means a lot to me. I'll see you after school. Love you!" I finish up as I open the door to take off.

"Love you too, mister," Juliet tells me back but not loud enough for any other students getting dropped off to hear. That's the last thing I need a Black Dragon to hear. They already give me enough crap about my adoptive mom's body. According to gossip, Juliet is 'Seaford's hottest mom.' It took Kim and Milton to hold me back from killing Jerry when he agreed.

Milton starts running to me as soon as he gets out of his car, so I wait up for the little brainy ginger. "Hey man," I greet him with a fist bump when he catches up.

"Good morning, Jack," Milton greets me with a tight lipped smile. "What's up?"

"Same story, different day, dude," I chuckle as I open the door for him. I see Jerry already sitting by our lockers, his music in and the rest of the world out. I think I'll just let him be for now. Maybe I'll let him know when the bell rings...

"There's Kim and Brett," Milton alerts me with a half nod. They're up against their lockers, Brett staring off into space and Kim's head on his shoulder, looking like she's about to... oh please don't cry!

She's rubbing circles on the back of Brett's hand with her thumb in a soothing motion like he needs it instead of her. He won't even curl his fingers to entwine their fingers. He's completely void of affection to her! She just ran away from home last night and he doesn't give a shit! He should have offered to skip school and do all the fun things she loves. It's not responsible, but who wouldn't need a personal day?

"Jack, are you okay?" Milton asks, snapping me out of it.

"Yeah dude, why?" I ask, lying my ass off.

"Because your face is turning red and your knuckles are white," Milton tells me, picking up on details you don't need to be Shawn Spencer to catch.

"Yeah, just had a rough night, I guess." That was true. I couldn't get any sleep after thinking about Kim's situation.

"Do you need to talk about anything?" Milton asks and I just stare at him.

"When was the last time I ever 'needed to talk?'" I'm not a touchy feely guy. I like to give advice, but I keep to myself in person matters. Like a rock.

"When Mr. Martin died," Milton throws out bluntly. Well damn. That, I did talk about. I want to scream and hurt something every time I see Kim like this, though.

"What do you... she does look a little forlorn. You're right. What's wrong with her?"

"Why would you ask me, dude?" I ask Milton, not sounding overly defensive. I do know, obviously, but I won't tell him Kim's secret.

"Because Jerry and I know that Kim tells you everything."

"It's true, yo," Jerry adds in outta nowhere. "We could ask you her bra size and you'd probably know."

I just glare at the boy, letting him know that's not okay. "Jerry, go back by your locker before I put you _in_ your locker," I growl and Jerry shrinks back, his hands raised by his head. I love the guy, but he doesn't always know when to think instead of speak.

The bell rings and I have first hour with Kim, but Brett doesn't. Now that I think about it, I don't know why I have Brett in my asking consideration.

I say bye to the guys and grab my first hour books before heading off to Kim, who I'm just in time to see kiss Brett on the forehead. Brett made no attempt to reciprocate or actually kiss her.

"Hey Kim!" I greet happily as I catch her at locker, grabbing her books.

"Morning, Jack," Kim smiles but her eyes are still tired and her smile isn't in her usual place on her lips. The corners are a little too low. "How are you?"

"I'm alright, you?" I reply like last night didn't happen as we begin walking to anatomy class.

Kim shrugs. She doesn't want to lie to me, she knows last night did happen, but she doesn't want to seem weak or down. She's so stubbornly prideful.

I reach over and playfully scratch her head for a moment and she smiles up at me, a real smile this time. She knows I won't pry, but also that I'm here.

"Thanks, Jack," she says in a little brighter mood. She's about to enter the classroom, but I gently take a hold of her arm, getting her attention without making a scene. "What's up?" she asks, a look of worry on her face. She must be able to see my nerves.

"Kim, we both know you can't stay at Luse's for long," I begin and I see the change on her face.

"Jack, I..." Kim tries but I step in.

"No, Kim. You need a place until you _can_ take care of yourself. I talked to Shawn and Juliet this morning. They're both on board with this. We have a spare room. You can even have a TV in there. We _want_ to help you out, okay?" There. It's all on the table. She just has to say yes.

Kim bites her lip and stares at her feet, really turning it over. "Can I have some time to think about it?" Kim asks hesitantly, as if I'd retract the offer.

"Of course," I smile softly and let go of her arm, realizing I'm still holding her.

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Lunch rolls around and Kim has been oddly quiet towards me all morning. I really hope I didn't mess anything up between us by asking her such a huge question. She's been through a lot, so I want to ask her much more of anything today, but it's killing me to think I hurt our friendship. Asking her was the right thing to do, wasn't it?

I just went through the lunch line without even thinking about it. That's how automatic this hell hole is and how wrapped up in Kim's situation I am.

I walk out of the cafeteria to the tables in the commons to see my table full of the usual customers. My Wasabi crew and a handful of Kim's friends, including Lusa. No Kim, though. She must be eating with Brett.

I find a spot at the table just when I see Kim sitting alone on a table across the commons. Nobody seems to see her, nobody seems to notice or care. Milton and Jerry aren't even taking notice.

I haven't sat down yet, and as I debate myself on whether or not to go sit with Kim, she looks up and makes quick eye contact. I don't remember her eyes being that dark. She smiles, trying to pretend she's okay but I know better.

I take my tray and forsake my table to be with Kim for a bit. I think she needs me more than the lunch table.

"Hey," Kim says quietly and gives me a real smile. Small, but real.

"What are you doing all alone over here?" I ask her in a hushed tone.

"I just felt like a quiet lunch today, I guess. I need to think about some stuff, and that's a hard table to focus at, you know?" Kim laughs a little like something's funny. "What about you? What brought you over?" she asks curiously, honestly sounding like she doesn't have a guess.

"You do," I answer plainly and she just looks at me, shocked maybe. "What?" I ask with a chuckle.

"You're giving up lunch with the table to sit with me and eat in silence?" Kim sounds disbelieving.

"There's enough people over there, but you were alone here. What kind of friend would I be if I ignored you, didn't try to sit with you. I can't leave you alone."

"Jack, it's okay," Kim tries to tell me, looking at how close our hands are but aren't quite touching.

"You're not, though. I don't expect you to be. I don't expect you to be able to talk about it right now, but when you need a friend and ear, I got that covered."

Kim pauses and says nothing for a time. Finally, she looks at me and it looks like she needs to say _something_ , but she either can't find the words or it's going to be hard for her to say. I keep eye contact and smile at her reassuringly. I want her to know she can tell me anything.

"I'll have my own room and TV?"

"You'll have a TV, a room. You'll have consistent heat and power. Breakfast and dinner," my eyes drop to the floor because I don't know if I should go this far, but, "Shawn and Juliet will take care of you because they want to. We want you there, Kim."

Kim looks at me, and her face is a total blank slate. I can't even read her eyes which are usually so expressive. It's like she's frozen.

"Kim?"


	3. Comfortably Numb: Pink Floyd

**Inside Kim's Mind**

Jack just offered me so much more than I've been told I believe. Everyone is used to the bills side, things being paid on time. That's what happens when you live in a responsible family. what gets me is that they _want_ to care for me.

"Kim?" Jack's voice softly breaks through. I guess I zoned out for a little bit there.

"Jack, if you and your parents are sure, only one-hundred percwnt sure, I accept," I give in, but I'm not sure I like it.

"I already talked to Shawn and Juliet this morning. Shawn said if you were interested, he'd pick us up and we'd grab your stuff from Luse's. The guest room is always set, so you'll be fine."

What do I say to him? He's offering me food, shelter and care. Jack and his family don't owe me anything and they're not asking for anything back. I know I need it, but I feel like I don't deserve it, you know?

"Okay," I give my final answer with an unsure smile. Jack smiles back assuringly, knowing I'm not cozy with it. Jack knows me betterty than I think I'm okay with sometimes.

"It's okay, Kim. You'll feel at home, I promise." I hope he's right, but I'm not so sure I'll ever feel at home in someone else's home. I didn't feel at home in my own.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

"Hey dad!" Jack greets Shawn with a genuine smile.

"Hey buddy," Shawn says back with a matching smile. "Hi Kim," he says to me too, large smile still in place.

"Hi Mr. Spencer. How are you?" I ask with a smile. I like Shawn, I really do. The amount of friendliness and warmth here is just a little much, you know? I'm not from the Brady Bunch, I'm afraid.

"I'm more swell than an intimidated pufferfish," Shawn tells me as he opens the car door for me. "Kim, let's go get your stuff from Lusa's. After that, you two can either go home or come grocery shopping with me. Jules didn't have anything in the house for dinner, so I have to buy food _and_ cook it. Can you believe that?!" Shawn rambles and I can't help but giggle at him.

Jack catches me giggle and smiles lightly, a little gleam, I guess, in his eyes. He just looks happy to see me happy. Jack really does care. I know he does, I've known since we met. He just keeps proving it.

"Do you want to go shopping with dad, or do you just want to check out the house?" Jack offers. I never got choices at home!

"Uh..." Why do I feel pressured on such a minor decision? This can't be normal. I just need to remind myself that it's an actual option. It's not a trap. No one will be mad either way. "Which ever's easier for you, Mr. Spencer." BOOM! Nice cop out, Kim!

"Which ever's easiest for me? K.C., if I had a preference, that'd be game over. I'm offering because I don't care, and I didn't want to bore the hell out of you and Jack with the grocery store. Wait, do you need or want anything? Anything you can't eat? Anything you really _want_ to eat?"

"I'm really not picky, Mr. Spencer." Even if I was, I'm not in a position to ask for anything.

"Oh, c'mon K.C.! First night at the new place and there's nothing special you want for your welcoming dinner?" Shawn asks, eyes raised. Holy crap. He means it. Shawn wants to throw me a baby welcome party.

"Really, whatever you want to do is fine, Mr. Spencer. I'm not really hungry anyway," I lie. I'm starving something fierce. I only had the school lunch since dinner last night.

"I remember you being a lot more fun..." Shawn tells me, looking down at me with narrowed eyes.

"Let's just go home," Jack suggests, probably seeing we weren't getting anything settled.

"Yeah, okay," I calmly agree, not wanting to do otherwise. I'm just going to do what I'm told and try to avoid any situations that involve decisions. It's not that I'm indecisive, I just don't feel like I'm in a position to make any.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

"I'll be back in just a minute, guys. Jack, show her around and what's what. Don't start doing anything because we'll have dinner as soon as Jules gets home," Shawn lays down what's what.

"Alright dad, see you in a bit," Jack waves as Shawn takes off. "Shawn seems to have forgotten that you've been over about a million times," Jack chuckles and I laugh a little, too.

"Did he forget, or is Shawn a ?" I ask, because his him, it's so hard to tell.

"Shawn's sharper than a tack. He's tryimg to make you feel easy, that's all. He's great at reading people. He knows you're nervous."

"I'm not nervpus," I scoff.

"Kim, you hate this. Don't lie to me." Damn it. "Do you need to talk anout anything?" Jack asks and I know he wants to help. He knows I need to talk.

"Can we talk later? I... I know I need to, but I need to get a grip, you know? It's like a bee hive."

"I understand," Jack tells me, refusing to break eye contact. "Can you be honest with me on one thing right now?" I really don't want to. "Are you okay?"

I expected that, that's the question I didn't want! Jack took me in, he deserves an answer. I don't want to give him an answer he doesn't want. I don't want to give him or his parents more trouble than I'm already being. I want to lie. I want to tell Jack I'm just fine. I don't want to tell Jack I added three more little red lines to my arm. I don't want to tell Jack that I feel alone, that I feel like I'm drowning alone and there's no one coming to drqg me to shore. I don't want to tell, him but I need to tell _someone_ that I just can't... URGH!

"Hey, c'mere," Jack tells me, pulling me into a hug. I can't help but hug him back as I feep my knees go weqk and my chin start to quiver. I hate crying. I fucking. Hate. It. I'm strong, damn it. I haven't cried since Mr. Martin died, and here I am, getting Jack's black and navy blue striped v-neck damp.

"Do you want to sit down?" Jack asks and I just nod. He guides me by the shoulders to the living room and sits me down on the couch. He sits next to me and watches me cry. He doesn't touch me or say anything. He knows not to.

"I just need a minute," I whisper as I try to compose myself. My arm itches a little bit from my latest set of cuts, but I try to ignore it because Jack doesn't know about it.

"Take all the time you need," Jack says, folding his hands together.

"Sorry, Jack," I apologise as I get myself back under control.

"Why are you sorry?" Of course Jack is too sweet to see what I'm talking about.

"This," I say, pointing to my face. "I'm not even here for ten minutes and I'm ctying on your couch," I laugh, but ot even sounds forced.

"Kim, I didn't ask if you wanted to stay here just for a place to sleep. I asked if you wanted to so me and my parents can help you. You need help now more than ever. It'll be a while before you're ready to talk, and we all get that. Please, just come find me, or Shawn or Juliet when you need someone."

"Okay, I will," I promise. I want to hug him again, but you know how much I hate coming off as needy. And aren't I supposed to go to my boyfriend for hugs? That's not Jack's job.

"Good. We should work on homework until dinner. Then we can do whatever after," Jack more or less lays down how it goes here.

"Okay," I agree easily, picking myself up off the couch. I don't know what to say now. The air between us is awkward already, thanks to me. I need to say something, but I have know idea how to warm things back up between us.

"Hey Kim," Jack grabs my attention, stopping me from digging into my backpack.

"Yeah?" I ask, standing up and turning to face him.

"I'm really glad you're here. I... I know feelings and stuff aren't our specialty, but I have to admit that I'm worried about you." I open my mouth to speak, but Jack holds up his hand and stops me. "You don't need to say anything."

"Yeah I do. Thank you, Jack." That's all I really need to say. Jack was right when he said emotions really aren't our thing. I think they're mine a little more than they're his, but we don't over indulge. He's still wearing the bracelet I made him the day he hit his head and lost his memory. I dropped that I thought of him as more than a friend that day.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

"Jack, Kim, supper's ready!" Juliet called up the stairs and I couldn't help but freeze. Shawn and Juliet made dinner, got it all set and everything without me. I can't just go down there and dig in on food I have no right to and did nothing for!

"You know what, Jack? You go ahead and eat," I tell him, not looking up from my algebra. "I'm not all that hungry," I lie. I'm fucking starving.

"Are you sure?" Jack asks, watching me skeptically.

"Yeah, I'm good. Promise," I smile assuringly. Yup, I'm a fucking liar!

"Alright. I'm sure there'll be leftovers if you're hungry later," Jack says with a little smile and leaves me in his bedroom.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

I'm just about done with my homework for the evening when there's a knock on Jack's door."

"It's open!" I call with a laugh, thinking it's just Jack being Jack.

The door opens and it's Juliet, Jack's adoptive mother. "Hey girl!" Juliet says with a smile, genuinely happy to see me. She always seems to be.

"Hi Mrs. Spencer," I reply just as pleasantly. A lot of moms try to be cool around their kids' friends, I guess, but Juliet really is just the coolest.

"Why didn't you come down for dinner?" she asks, a little pout on her lips. That right there is enough to make me feel bad.

"I just wasn't very hungry," I say, trying to not sound full of shit like I know I am.

"Sticking with that story?" Juliet challenges me. "When Jack comes home he's like a wild animal in the kitchen. You're trying to tell me you're not only not hungry, but that you don't want my homemade lasagna?"

She's got my number. As already stated, my empty stomach is grinding wall against wall. I have to swallow to rid my mouth of the saliva building up just at the idea of Shawn and Juliet's lasagna.

"Care to tell me why you're not eating?" Juliet keeps pressing. I can tell she's not mad, she's just not understanding.

I bite my lip and try to ignore my cuts again. They always seem to scratch more when I'm in a tight spot.

"Kim?" Juliet asks softly, closing the door and coming to sit next to me. "Can you please try to talk to me?" She starts gently rubbing my back. "What's going on? You can tell me."

Juliet's voice is so sweet, so earnest, I know I can trust her. It's just... it's _so_ hard to push myself to talk.

"I... I didn't help with dinner," I say quietly, just above a whisper.

"You skipped dinner because you didn't help make it? Why would you do that?"

"Because I can't just come here, into your lives and do nothing while you take care of me when none of this is your fault," I push out in one big rusj. If I didn't, I don't think I would have been able to get it out.

"Oh, no Kim!" Juliet coos, pulling me into her side for a hug. "Please don't see it like that."

"That's the only way I see this. I'm a burden, Mrs. Spencer. You didn't kick me out, you didn't tell me to run away. You all took me in, and I am _beyond_ thankful, but I can't just stay here."

The door opens and Shawn and Jack invite themselves in. What the hell is this? Some kind of TV show?

"K.C., I know this whole situation is the most TV thing you've ever been in," Shawn may be psychic... "but we were listening through the door. We had to come in and tell you that you're absolutely wrong. You're not a burden. Yes, you're another mouth to feed when Jules can get you to eat, you're one more shower a day, but you're not a burden. You need to learn a lot, buty we're happy to help." This is easily the most sincere I've ever seen Shawn.

"I'm sorry I'm coming to you as such a child. My mom and dad didn't really teach me anything. They just never really cared to. I can't even do my own laundry," I admit, staring at my hands. I feel like a five year old.

"It's okay, Kim. We'll help you. We'll teach you how to take care of yourself, we'll find you a job. We'll get you on your feet. You don't have anything to feel bad about," Juliet tells me, her hand still on my back.

"I won't just leach, guys, I swear. I want to learn how to care for myself. I don't want to have to rely on anyone. I will absolutely clean up after myself and help with chores and stuff. When I get a job I'll pay rent." There's so much I want to do and I don't want to take anything away from Jack and his family.

"That sounds great, Kim, but we need to make sure you're okay, too. Like I said, you can talk to me, to any of us," Juliet smiles.

"We have your back, Kim. Now please, can you go eat some dinner?" Jack sounds like he's begging, like it's his stomach that's rumbling.


	4. Paradise: Coldplay

**A/N: Fair warning, the end of this chapter gets pretty heavy/dark. Sensitive material to be sure.**

 **XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX**

 **Inside Jack's Head**

"Kim, breakfast!" I call through her door but get no answer. I knock and still nothing. I don't remember Kim ever being a light sleeper.

I take a chance and slowly open the door to make sure she's okay. A million things rush through my head qat once. I don't know what to expect. When I do look inside, she's gone. The bed is empty and the room looks like it never had an occupant. She remade the bed, but her missing duffel bag makes me wonder if she even slept here.

With the idea that she left here, too, I run down stairs to the kitchen where I know Juliet is making breakfast. I clear the stairs in three hops.

"Mom, Kim's..." I trail off what I'm shouting to see both Kim and Juliet making breakfast together. "Helping you make pancakes..." I finish lamely, seeing what's happening. Kim didn't run from us, too. She's earning her meal like she wanted to.

"She is," Juliet answers my awkwardness with a smile. "A great job at that, too."

"It's just pancakes, Mrs. Spencer," Kim says, shaking off the compliment. I'm guessing Kim isn't exactly used to compliments from a parent figure. Juliet picked up on it, too, frowning at me.

We weren't mad at Kim, god no! We were sympethetic of Kim. Most girls would have giggled or blushed or returned it, right? Kim just shrugged my mom off and spiked the shoe to the ground before the other could drop.

"Ready to eat?" Juliet asks me and Kim. I want to race Kim to the table like care free kids, but she just nods and stalks to the table, the pancakes stacked on the plate in her hand.

Juliet lets Kim past her and spares me a sad glance. It doesn't take a genius to tell Kim isn't okay. We don't expect her to be. Have you ever been a seventeen year old kid whose parents didn't give a shit about? She feels like a nuisance to anyone that tries to help her. She doesn't think she belongs anywhere. Kim Crawford thinks she's a girl without a home.

"Mornin' everybody!" Shawn greets everyone in his usual peppy way. He looks extra pumped. He must have a case.

"Hey dad," I wave to him at the elbow as Kim sets him up a plate. Kim's serving herself last, making sure she doesn't step on anyone's toes or take too much. Kim is absolutely selfless and trying to be as small a body in the house as possible.

By the time Kim had set up Shawn, Juliet and me, she only had two little pancakes. She gave me four good sized ones. I give her two and took one of her baby pancakes so we were even.

Kim looks at me like she's confused. I smile and take a bite of the baby pancake. I point to hers and mouth "you should eat." Kim nods and slowly begins eating, taking the most ginger bites. She's really not okay here. I need to talk to her before she does something stupid. What that entails, I don't exactly know.

It doesn't take us long to eat, and in a few minutes, we're off to School in Juliet's little Volkswagen.

The entire ride, Kim doesn't speak, she doesn't sing with the radio like she used to. She just stares out the window, her breathing even slow.

"Thanks for the ride, mom! See ya when you get off work!" I hug Juliet and head out.

"Thanks, Mrs. Spencer," Kim says quietly and gets out as well. She seemed to have missed the hug Juliet offered.

"No problem, Kim," Juliet smiles, easily shaking off Kim's hug miss. "I'll see you at home." I didn't miss how Juliet threw in _home_.

"Yeah," Kim uneasily smiles back. This girl really needs help.

I haven't heard mention or even seen Kim check for messages from Brett. I know this is none of my damn business, but where the hell is Brett?

"Jack, you comin'?" Kim asks, looking at me, seeming a little worried. I look down at my hands and see they clenched without me even knowing.

"Yeah," I flash a quick smile and catch up in a few easy strides. "How are you today?" I ask quietly, letting my soft tone tell her I would like a real answer, but I won't push. Not yet.

"Good," she answers simply, but her behavior so far tells me she's full of it. "A little tired, but good."

Okay, she's giving me something. "Didn't sleep well?"

"I slept long enough, I guess. Just..." Kim pauses and I don't like it. "Just bad dreams, ya know?"

"Any you want to talk about?"

"Nah, they're stupid."

"If they were enough to keep you from sleeping well, they aren't stupid." I hate how much Kim has been doubting everything about herself lately.

Kim sighs and she hops up on the little stone retaining wall just before the front doors of the school. "I had a dream that my dad got me back before I moved in with you. He broke into Lusa's when I was still asleep..." Kim trails off and I know this isn't easy for her. I can only nod and let her keep going.

"He woke me up by pulling me off the couch. He started yelling at me..." Kim's pause here makes me think she's debating on whether or not to tell me just what he told her.

"It's okay, you don't need to share in detail. Just what you're comfortable with, okay?"

"Well, he said a lot of shit to me," Kim cut some major corners, that's easy enough to tell.

"Did you believe any of it?" Please say no.

Kim's pause without answer was the answer that was as bad as yes. "School's starting soon," Kim says and gets up, completely avoiding the question. Another substitute for yes.

"Want me to sit with you at lunch?" I offer, expecting an easy yes on this.

"If you want to, but you don't have to. I don't want you to feel like you have to spend all your time with me, Jack," Kim says quietly. There's that burden thing of hers again.

We're inside now, and I go to hang with Milton and Jerry while Kim goes to sit with Brett. I look over my shoulder in time to see her sit next to him, and she actually gets a kiss from him. Why did I do that to myself? Was it to make sure Kim's okay, or was it to punish myself for something?

Okay, yeah, I have a thing for Kim, if you haven't noticed. How couldn't I? But Brett has her, even if he's not doing much to keep her. Kim's loyal, too. I can't just break them up or try to home wreck them. I'm not that kinda guy and she's not that kinda girl.

"Yo Jack! Como estas?" Jerry asks, holding his fist out for a bump.

"Eh, asi, asi," I respond, choosing not to start my day out lying already.

"What's wrong, old friend of mine?" Milton's eyebrows scrunch. I love thos little nerd. He's my nerd. People have tried to fuck with him before, and it never ends well. Me or Kim are always more than ready to bust a bully's head, especially when they're after Milton.

"Trouble sleeping. A little tired," I say, again not lying but not saying too much. Me and Kim both seem to have that in common.

"What's going on up there, dude?" Jerry asks, tapping the side of my head with his knuckles.

"Too much, man, too much," I say with a chuckle. "A close buddy of mine isn't having an easy time and I'm worried about em', ya know?" Damn, I'm having a good morning with these vague truths.

"Can we offer some armchair assistance, perhaps?" Milton offers thoughtfully. This is why I love this kid. He doesn't ask for names or how I know this person (Kim). He just wants to help, completely anonymous on both sides.

"No way, yo! Nanna _just_ gave me that chair! Ain't nobody getting their hands on it so soon!" Jerry yells defiantly, completely missing the point, as per usual.

"Jerry my friend, go hit your head off the locker a few times and see if that knocks qnything into place," Milton tells our lovable idiot with a sigh and an eyeroll.

"I've tried before, but alright..." Jerry sighs and turns to leave but Milton pulls him back by the arm.

"What's up, Jack?" Milton's back in philosopher mode.

"A buddy of mine just ran away, alright? Seventeen years old, no plan, up and leaves. Stays with a friend that's barely making it as is. Another friend tells my buddy to moce in with them. My buddy does..."

"This friend doesn't feel right there either?" Milton guesses, nailing it first try.

"Bingo," I confirm.

"Why'd this bro move out? Something wrong at the crib?" Jerry tries filling in holes.

"Yeah, but I don't have the whole story."

"Shit, man. My cousin Chewie was in s similar sitch a bit ago. Chew's dad was abusive as all hell, physical, made Chews feel like old queso and all. Chew Bear moved into me casa and had the whole PTSD thing. He felt like a casaless hombre for a while. Started drinking and shit behind my back."

"I had no idea, Jerry," Milton says sympathetically. We all know how much Chewie means to Jerry. He's like Jerry's brother.

"How did you get Chewie to stop? How did you get him to feel like he belonged?" I ask. I thought Milton would be my gold mine for helping Kim. I didn't think it would be Jerry.

Jerry opened his mouth to speak, but the bell to start the day cut him off. "Sorry, dude," Jerry shrugged, heading off to grab his things.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

Lunch comes around and this time I actually have my head about me as I go through the line. The girl my head has been wrapped around for the last two days and nights is three people ahead of me, well, is the third person ahead of me. Frank and then Brett.

"Little Orphan Brewer!" Frank calls as I fall in behind him. He thinks it's funny even after the five-hundredth delivery. If he's making that joke now... yeah. The lunchroom is crawling with Dragons.

"Morning to you, too, Frank," I drawl, not in the mood for his bullshit. Especially not this bullshit.

"You haven't hit me yet?" Frank asks in a smug tone, knowing he has backup. I have Kim. That's my backup. I don't know how many Dragons are here right now, but as I think of it, when have Wasabis ever concerned themselves with numbers?

"I'm thinking about it," I say truthfully, scratching my chin. I see Kim nod ahead of me, telling me she has my back. "Is that all you have for me today? Little Orphan Brewer? Nothing new?"

"Do your adoptive parents ever count down the days until you become Batman?" Wow. Frank is actually laughing at his own joke.

"That was good, Frank. Last time I heard that one I laughed so hard it woke your mom up and she kicked me out of her bed. I was in such a rush to leave, I forgot to put money on her dresser." That's a little more savage than I usually go for, but as earlier stated, I'm not in the mood.

The kids nearest us began to laugh and that was all Frank could handle. The giant idiot threw a haymaker of all things. A karate student tosses out a haymaker? Boy should be ashamed of himself.

I easily duck the punch and straighten back up, digging a knee into his ribs. I see another Dragon approach, but before he can act, I see a red blur and then Ryan going down. Kim sniped him in the throat with an apple and had another ready to go.

She didn't have to throw it because Fuckin' Funderburk the principal stormed in. "That's enough! What is wrong with you kids?! This is a place of learning, not a prison!" he roared. I personally think it's both. "You four," he pointed to me, Kim, Frank and Ryan, "my office. NOW!"

It was a quick walk, one we felt we made once a week. Funderbunker slammed the door behind us and kicked his chair for effect because he's a douche like that.

"Give me one reason I shouldn't call all your parents." Fuck.

"How about we just get detention for a couple years and we don't call parents," Kim suggests, her levelheadedness surprising me.

"I think we can do that. Detention today and tomorrow, how's that?" Funderbutt offers.

"I'll take that plea bargain," Kim drops her fist on Fundernuts's desk like she just won a big poker hand.

"Yeah, I'm cool with that," I back Kim up.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

Detention lasted a bit longer than I expected, so here me and Kim sit on our retaining wall as I text Shawn to let him know what's up. I'm hoping it's him and not Juliet that gets us.

Me and Kim have a silent wait, and my heart hops into my chest when I see Juliet's car instead of Shawn's.

"Prepare for a lecture," I give Kim fair warning.

"So, how was school?" are the first words from her mouth and I know we're in for a rough ride home.

"It was good." I didn't mind knee smashing Frqnk's ribs.

"Why?" Juliet asks knowingly. I look over to Kim and she's whiter than a sheet. She's not ready for a tongue lashing, not after her nightmare. Juliet has no idea...

"Mom, can me and you go over this later?" I plead for Kim's sake. She's already death gripping her shirt hem.

"No, Jack. We need to talk about how often you're getting in petty School fights. It's detention and calls home now, but if this streak of yours keeps up, you're going to find yourself in the station, mister!" She really is pissed this time.

"And Kim, come on." Oh fuck. "Shawn and I didn't take you in so you could get in trouble at school consequence free. You're a bright girl with a good future ahead of you, but you have to stop thinking with your fists like Jack, honey. You know better, I know you do. I'm really disappointed in the both of you."

That could have been worse, but wqtching Kim in the back seat trying not to cry is as bad as it gets.

"Mom, this was all me. Kim just had my back, that's it!" I try to defend her.

"It's great that she has your back, but neither of you should ever fight in the first place! It's highschool! What are you running into that you can't solve with your heads? Start thinking more, you two," Juliet finishes, shaking her head. I look back at Kim to see she lost the fight with her tears.

We pull into the driveway just then and Kim bursts out of the car, whiping her eyes as she runs in the house right past Shawn.

"Jules, did you hit K.C.?!" Shawn asks, pointing past the freshly slammed door.

"What? No! I just scolded them for getting in another fight! I don't know why Kim..." Juliet stops when she sees me holding my hand up.

I explain to her and Shawn the talk Kim and I had this morning.

"Damn Jules, way to kick the poor kid!"

"Shut up, Shawn! I didn't know!" Jukiet says, holding the back of her hand to her mouth, obviously feeling terrible.

"She'll be okay, mom. Can I go talk to her?"

"Of course, sweety. Then I think I need to," Juliet says quietly and we hug it out. Shawn gets in on it, too. He just likes group hugs. It's a long story.

I run inside the house and up the stairs to Kim's room. Her door's closed and I can hear her crying through the door.

"Kim, can I please come in?" I try. I don't get an answer, just sobs. I take a chance and go in. My jaw drops and I'm left standing here speechless as I see Kim sitting on the bed with rolled up sleeves and... and a pocket knife in her hand.

"Go away, Jack!" Kim screams, but I can't seem to get my legs to work, my eyes stuck on the two new lines with red beads on her wrists.

"Oh Kim, no..."


	5. Secrets: OneRepublic

**Small chapter, I know. But I'm back in school and the new restaurant I'm with is about to open Friday, so between the two, I may die. This is also a pretty major chapter, though small. Lots of dialogue, but Jack's story is in here in minor detail. I wish I could tell you guys when I can update next, but I have NO idea. Sorry and thanks for keeping with me!**

 **XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX**

 **Inside Kim's Mind**

"Go away, Jack!" I scream, my pocket knife still in my hand, pressed against my wrist. He doesn't look like he's going to leave. I open my mouth to shout but,

"Oh Kim, no," Jack says softly, coming into the room and closing the door behind him. "Please give me the knife, Kim. You don't know what you're doing," he tells me.

"I don't know what I'm doing? Jack, there's not a lot that I'm doing that I do know. I'm not even sure what I said right there made sense." My voice is a lot quieter and I feel a little light headed. I'm not drunk light headed, but enough to appreciate. I didn't cut enough to alleviate this kind of pressure, so I don't know what it is. Exhaustion taking over?

"Kim, are you okay?" Jack asks, coming to sit on the bed next to where I'm laid out. He ways so much more than me. How did he not shift the bed?

"I'm fine," I say, coming back to the question instead of focusing on his odd gracefulness. "How are you?" I ask to try to change the subject.

"We'll talk about me when I'm the one cutting." Okay, no subject change. "Why?"

Straight to the point. Let's see how far we both can take this game. "Because it's the best I have. Adults get to drink, smoke, whatever. But I'm seventeen. Cutting is what I can do."

"Kim, cutting is not an okay coping mechanism." He feels really strong about it.

"What's bad about it if I'm not hurting myself?"

"Not hurting yourself? Cutting is self harm, Kim! You're literally drawing a knife across your skin to draw blood."

"Okay, so it hurts. But… I like the hurt…" I admit, and my eyes shoot down to my feet. I can't believe I just said that. He probably thinks I'm some kind of messed up freak now if he didn't already.

Jack pauses and just looks at me. I can feel his eyes burning through my hair. I wish he would get up and leave. I want my bed to just eat me. With that thought there, I pick myself up long enough to grab my blankets and then cover myself like the child I feel like. Maybe if I do stay like this long enough, he'll get the picture and leave.

"Kim, I can still see you."

"No you can't. I'm invisible." Jack pulls the covers off me and drops them on my floor. He's a persistent son of a bitch at times.

"Kim, we're talking about this. At first I wasn't going to push you, but if you're cutting with the pocket knife _I_ gave you, we can't play anymore waiting games." I forgot Jack gave me this knife. I had sprained my leg last year during gymnastics, so I wasn't able to be 100% at karate, so he gave me it "just in case."

"Here," I say, wiping the knife on my pants and giving it to him. "I can't cut myself with a knife you gave me to _protect_ myself. I'm sorry."

"It's not about the knife. I don't want you to cut at all. It… it broke my heart when you said you like the pain. You don't deserve it. You should never feel like that's your way to feeling better, Kim. It's so fucked up that you think that. You…" Jack sighs and runs a hand through his unreal, thick brunette hair. "We need you to find a way to feel better about yourself. You can't live in this slump. It's wearing you down more and more every day."

"I know. I know it is, Jack," I admit, trying not to shake. I can feel tears forming and that pisses me off even more. I want to punch the wall, break some shit, but it's not my fucking wall. I don't have a wall. I don't have anything but my stupid duffel bag!

"Kim, you need to talk. I can see it in your eyes." Jack cautiously raises a hand but lowers it. I think he wants to touch me, just a supportive hand on my cheek and I want that too so damn bad. But I fucked up. I'm with Brett. Cold, uncaring, unattached, perfect life and perfect family Brett who doesn't know what it's like to not have an apple pie family. I hate him for that, you know? That makes me a bitch, but I don't even think I care right now. Jack has all of that too, but he's an orphan, so he's been through, might be going through the shit now. And if he's not, I can't hate him because… because he's everything I need Brett to be. God I hate my own fucking head!

Tears are rolling down my face as I think of all of this, everything that's wrong with me, everything I want and I can't have because of my stupid choices or some other dummbass's. I knock my head against the wall. I don't know if I'm trying to knock something out of or into me. I want the knife back.

"Kim, stop!" Jack shouts when I start hitting my head harder, the tears streaming down my cheeks and down my neck faster, my nose beginning to run. Jack pulls me into his arms to get me away from the wall. I fall into his chest and I'm uncontrollably sobbing now, the hem of his shirt balled up in my fists. "Nobody wants me. I don't even want me," I fight to get out.

Jack squeezes me tight in his arms, his chin on the crown of my head. I don't know what to say, and I don't think he does either. What is he supposed to say? He's a seventeen year old kid, too. I just all but admitted I'm suicidal. Hell, I might be, I don't even know anymore.

"Kim, just breath. Don't take this the wrong way, but just hold me and just breath," Jack coaches, and I begin to wonder why he knows this. "I… I know how you feel," Jack lets out and I bring my head off his chest, locking my eyes with his turbulent brown ones.

"Jack, please tell me. I feel like I'm alone right now," I find myself begging but I don't even care. I need to hear his story. I know this sounds stupid, but I need to hear a survivor's story. I know people have been through worse, been through exactly what I have been, but I need to hear it from Jack.

"You know I'm an orphan. I don't remember my parents. When you don't know what happened to them or why they left you, your mind starts jumping all over the board as to why you're at some damn home." Jack's voice is bottomed out low and gentle. I can tell this is still hard for him, and it's my turn to hug him. In this scenario, I don't think this hug is scandalous at all.

"What was it like at the orphanage?" I ask to keep the ball rolling when Jack clams up.

"It was actually pretty nice there. I had friends. The lady that ran the place was really sweet, like a mom or an aunt. She taught us how to get along, how to take care of ourselves and each other. We were like a unit, you know? All those girls and boys felt like siblings to me after a while. When I first got there, though, I was little and scared. All those new faces that I didn't know. I didn't want to get picked on or bullied or beat up. I stayed quiet and to myself. For months, trying to stay out of the way."

"That doesn't sound like you at all," I comment, wiping my nose unceremoniously on my sleeve. "You're always in such great moods. I remember how beaming and contagious your smile was when I saw you for the first time in the cafeteria." I can feel a smile stretching my lips, but I would have to force myself not to at the memory. I think I'll just let it take it's course.

"I know. You were, too. That's why I can't take seeing you like this," Jack whispers and our eyes lock again. He's like a tractor beam. I want to pull my eyes away, but it feels like a real struggle just to look away. He finally does and I clear my throat. Jack continues.

"It was like I didn't exist for the first three months I was there. I was a ghost that took up a bed and food, a phantom of a child that looked away when looked at and did his chores without a sigh or a peep." I'm not used to Jack talking like a sad poet. I think that makes this story worse.

"What changed? When did you get noticed?" This is better but at the same time worse than a movie, you know? I'm on the edge of my seat, but I hate that this is Jack.

"When I met Shawn and Juliet. Juliet was a volunteer at the orphanage. It was on one of her days that she noticed me, how quiet and reserved I was. She started talking to me and I opened up to her. She started spending most of her time with me. Occasionally she would bring Shawn, and naturally everybody loved him, but he always made sure I was never left out. I fell in love with them and them with me. They adopted me on my tenth birthday."

"That's wonderful!" Finally the story has a nice turn.

"But…" Shit. "I felt a lot like you do now. When I first moved in, I was like you. I wanted to earn everything they gave me. When I moved in, it felt so different. I still felt like I was in the orphanage, you know? But it was just me. I stopped talking to Shawn and Juliet, but they kept trying with me. I felt like a burden, a sponge like I think you do. I don't know when I stopped feeling like an orphan and started calling them mom and dad."

I don't know what to say. Jack knows exactly how I feel, but he didn't have the option to kick off on his own.

"Kim, get out of wherever your head is. I know that's so much easier said than done. The point of this entire story is that we don't all come from perfect lives, but damn it, Kim, we don't have to stay there." My eyes had dried up until he said that. I throw my arms around him again and I'm sobbing anew. Jack didn't belittle me. He didn't say I did this to myself. He didn't say I'm worthless or I deserve how I feel. He's proof that things can be better for everyone if we just pay it forward.

"Jack, I had no idea you had been through that. Do you still struggle with feeling out of place? I need to know if this is a returning feeling."

"No. I help Shawn and Juliet buy food, I do my chores, I don't pay rent but that's because Juliet won't let me nd makes me put the money into my savings for college. I learned how to work, how to take care of myself and how to be a team player. At the end of the day, Shawn gives me a beer if Juliet's not around because for all intents and purposes, I'm a man. You can do that, too, Kim."

"Will you help me?" I ask, wanting so bad to just be me, to be a person that doesn't need to rely on someone and feel like shit on their shoe for it.

"We told you we would, Kim. Shawn and Juliet really like you. That's why they took you in. They recognize just how much me and you are alike in where we came from. We know that people like us make the best people. Juliet always says that angels are people that fought out of hell." Jack sighs and gently punches my shoulder. I can feel the mood lightening. "But we're still kids, too. We're going to mess up, we're going to occasionally get yelled at. Learn from that, don't cut yourself over it. Juliet's going to preach and then leave it there. She wants you to learn, not feel like shit like I'm guessing your dad wanted. Do you want to talk about that?" Jack offers, scratching the back of his neck. He must know we're getting back into rough territory for me.

"Can we talk about it later, maybe? There's only so much I can do in one day, really. I don't know if you get this way too, but opening up makes me feel like I'm picking up a giant door and holding it open."

"No, I totally get that." Jack looks like he's about to say something else, but there's a knock at the door. Juliet pokes her head in, a sheepish smile on her face and her hair in a ponytail. It was actually Juliet who taught me hair care. It sure wasn't my mom.

"Hey you two. Are you ready for dinner?" Juliet asks quietly, probably having guessed we were in the middle of some real talk. My eyes are probably still red.

"Yeah, I think so," Jack smiles and looks at me like the both of us eating is my call. I want to say no, because we were here, meaning I didn't help. But I can do the dishes and help clean up, so I think I'll actually eat a little. Small steps, right?


	6. Sleeping Sickness: City and Colour

**I know it's been a while, but life is crazy right now, so I'm sorry. This story isn't exactly easy to write either. It's not for lack of skill or imagination, it just hits home pretty hard. Enough about that, though. Last little thing, please don't forget to YouTube the chapter titles! The chapter titles are song names and artists that fit fit with the chapters. It adds a lot more, so give them a listen to!**

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 **Inside Jack's Head**

It's been a rough but good week for Kim, I think. She's been applying for jobs left and right, trying to find ones that work well with her school schedule. Juliet and Shawn have been on the hunt for her as well. She's still rocking school full time, too. I really think that wasn't something I should have worried about in the first place. I know Kim better than that, and I don't know why I discredited her toughness.

It's crazy to think Kim has been here for a week. Somethings are slower going than expected. I made the mistake of thinking that our talk last week would automatically make Kim feel a lot better at home. She's been trying to spend more time and get her bubbly back, but it's easy to see she's _trying_. She's also still been all self secluding at school. Where we are now.

School's just let out and we're waiting for Shawn to bring us to the dojo. Shawn's taking beginner classes, too, which is kind of weird. Juliet wants him to learn self defense because of his high danger job, but Shawn won't let Juliet teach him for some reason.

Shawn pulls up in his blue Toyota Echo and me and Kim hop in the back seat. Wait… why did I hop in the back seat? I'm guessing Shawn is wondering that, too,as he watches me from the rearview and takes off.

"So, how was school?" Shawn asks, being the typical boring dad.

"School was okay," Kim answers first. "The classes were pretty boring but gym was actually really cool. Me and Lusa were…" This is really cool! This is the most Kim has actually chosen to open up about her day! "And Donna started picking on me for playing in long sleeves, but you know how Luse gets when _anybody_ picks on her friends. Luse picked up the dodge ball and BOOM! Nails her right in the face." Kim and Shawn are both laughing hysterically at the story I kinda missed out on.

"Top that, Jack. You gotta have something," Shawn tries to get me.

"Uh… we were working on dissecting a rat," I get cut off by Shawn and Kim both 'ew'ing me. "We were dissecting a rat," I try again, "and me and Jerry had to pool money together just so Milton wouldn't do some… extracurricular exploration."

"That's really gross," Kim says and laughs a little bit. I'm glad she's starting to laugh more again, even if at my expense.

We pull up to the dojo and walk in like nothing's wrong. Well, I guess nothing is wrong. Nothing's currently going on. I need to stop treating Kim like some kind of patient.

"Hey guys!" Rudy says as he comes out of his office, a duffel bag in hand and gi already on. "You guys get changed and stretch out. We'll start in fifteen," Rudy announces to me and Kim. Shawn waves and goes to the food court because his practice is in one hour.

I go into the locker room and see Jerry and Milton beat me here. They're all ready to go, but they're both sitting on the bench, staring at me.

"Hey guys, what's up?" I ask, not likin the way they're watching me.

"When were you going to tell us Kim's not living at home anymore?" Milton asks, straight to the point. Well shit.

"What? What are you talking about?" I'm a terrible actor, and I can see it on their faces that they don't believe I don't know.

"Jack, you can play Jerry for a fool most of the time, but not me. Jerry and I went by Kim's to see if she needed a ride to practice yesterday and her mom said she was no longer living there. She didn't tell us anything, but it was enough," Milton explains.

"Why are you just asking me now if you knew this yesterday?" I ask with a scoff. Yes, I'm completely trying to avoid answering.

"We were debating on the best way to bring it up in a private setting, and we decided this was the best course of action."

"Why are you assuming I knew before you guys?" I can only dodge Milton for so long.

"That question you asked Jerry and I. I put that together with Kim's mother saying she was gone. I'm convinced she told you, and she is now living with you. Bold move, by the way."

"Bold move? What are you talking about?" I know exactly what he's talking about. I just don't like the allegation!

"You know what I'm insinuating, Jack. You may not think that it will work, or that it's actually your plan, but your subconscious knows what you're up to."

"Milton, I'm helping a friend. Nothing more. I know what you're insinuating, and I'm going to tell you once and I'm going to tell you now… drop it."

"Yo Milt, what are you insinuwhating?" Jerry asks, being the ever fucking idiot.

"I mean that I think Jack may be…" Oh for the love of…

"Milton thinks that I offered to help out Kim by letting her move in with me so she'll dump Brett and come to me," I spell out for Jerry in normal English instead of Milton's annoying as hell professor speak.

"Dude, that's some deep stuff!" Jerry says, sounding shocked as usual.

"Yeah, some deep stuff that's not happening," I throw out. "Milton, you know me! How could you even think that about me? How could you even think I would do something like that?"

"That may not be your plan, Jack, but I can tell you now that that will happen, and when it does, you won't turn her down. Whether it is your intent or not, you are slowly wrestling Kim from Brett."

"Milton, you need to stop talking right now. And I'm not _trying_ to do anything but help Kim. As far as Brett goes, if she leaves him, that won't be my fault at all. Brett is a self absorbed, single person minded son of a bitch that never should have started dating Kim in the first place. He didn't tell her that he's as emotional as a bucket of ice. He never told her that he wouldn't make any special appointments to tell her the time of day. What he should have told her is that he wasn't ready for a girl like Kim, that he wasn't ready to be there for anyone but himself!"

I'm shaking now, my fists are clenched and my jaws are clamped like some kind of raging animal. My chest is rising and falling and I shut my eyes because I'm so mad I'm dizzy.

"Come on Jack, just sit down. I'm sorry, okay? I'm just worried about Kim, and I don't want to see her hurt. I don't want to see you do anything detrimental to you, your friendship with her or the group dynamics," Milton explains and I should have known that's where he was coming from.

"I'm sorry I blew up, man, I really am. It's just…"

"It's okay, Jack. You got defensive, and I did accuse you of something very serious in regards to your morals and honor, which I've never questioned before."

"Do you guys really need to be so… big wordy?" Jerry asks, scratching his head. I swear, I don't know how that boy has made it that long.

"Hey, everything alright in here?" Rudy asks, coming into the locker room. "I heard some shouting, but I couldn't make out what's going on. Jack, you okay? You're all red and stuff." Rudy is just so observant!

"Yeah Rudy, I'm good. Just some stuff that's been on my mind lately. I kinda just… blew up, you know?"

"Save that anger for the mat, tiger. It's sparring day!" Rudy says with a sadistic grin."

"Jack, may I please make a humble request? Can you not beat me to a bloody pulp for what we have just… discussed?" Milton asks timidly as soon as Rudy leaves.

"Milton, don't worry. You're my friend and I know you weren't trying to insult me or get me going. That's not who you are. I forgot that for a second, but we're good," I tell him before I offer him a fist bump. "And Jerry, next time me and Milton get 'too wordy' for you, it's okay to excuse yourself."

"But I didn't fart…"

"Yup, I'm sparring with Jerry today," I tell Milton with raised eyebrows and Milton just laughs.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

After dinner, me and Kim are sitting alone in the livingroom, Shawn and Juliet both gone on a date. Usually we do homework upstairs and join them for a bit of TV or a movie afterwards, but they had some kind of work thing. I hope they're okay, but I'm guessing it's dangerous because of how hush hush they both were.

Kim's sitting in the lazy boy, her English homework in her lap as she quietly hums a toon to herself. She's chewing on the clicker of her pen, and I start thinking about what Milton said. Maybe he was right. I know I didn't ask Kim to live with me for that purpose, but as I look at her, it becomes just a little bit harder not to. Maybe I do have an ulterior motive, maybe Milton was right again when he said maybe it wasn't but it will happen. I don't think it was my initial plan, but that idea's in my head now, and I have to admit… Kim could easily be my everything if I just let her. Brett doesn't deserve to let Kim be his everything because she will never let her be his everything. And there I go again! I need to quit thinking about it, damn it!

"Jack… you okay?" Kim asks hesitantly, looking back at me now. She must have caught me looking.

"Yeah. Why?" I try to play off cooly.

"You're just looking at me like you have something to say. Seriously, what's up?" she asks, sitting upright instead of her head on one armrest and her legs dangling off the other.

"Nothing's up. Just thinking about something I talked with Milton about today," I loosely explain. I don't want her to know just how much she's been on my mind lately. It's been nonstop, really.

"Nothing you need to talk to me about?" She's got her knees pressed to her chest, one arm wrapped around her legs and the other still holding the pen to her lips. I need to stop thinking she looks absolutely adorable right now. I wouldn't be thinking that if Milton hadn't made me hyper aware of things that may or may not be in my head right now. Damn that ginger!

"Milton and Jerry know you're not at home anymore." Well there goes that.

"Oh…" is all Kim mutters. "Did you tell them?"

"No!" I shout, not wanting Kim to think I'd betray her trust like that. "Of course not, it wasn't my place to tell. They went to your parents' house yesterday, Kim, to see if you needed a ride," I explain.

"Let me guess. My fucking dad answered the door, right?" Kim's scowling now, and I can only imagine the little movie her head is concocting right now.

"Your mom, actually," I let her know so her mind can rest a bit easier.

"Oh…" Kim says just above a whisper. It sounded really sad, and I begin to wonder what her relationship with her mom was like. I know she despises her dad to no end, but I don't know much about her mom. "Did Milton and Jerry say if my mom said anything?" Kim's voice is still just a ghost right now.

"Not really," I tell her, shaking my head. "They just said your mom told them you weren't there anymore, and that was really it."

"She doesn't even know where I am… she never asked me where I was going," Kim sniffles and I'm afraid there's going to be tears. It makes me hate to ask this…

"Kim, how were you with your mom?"

Kim just stares at the floor for a second before looking at me, her eyes seeming to look through me. "I don't… I don't really know. We were alright, I guess. She always asked me how school was, helped me with my homework. That was about it, though," Kim lets out and I can hear a sadness in her voice.

"My mom was the sweetest, you know?" Kim chuckles dryly. "She never stopped working. She was always doing this that or the other thing around the house to keep the piece of shit standing while I didn't do anything and my dad sure never lifted a finger to help." A tear is forming in the corner of her sweet puppy dog brown eyes and I can't do a damn thing about it. I just need to listen to the poor girl right now.

"She tried her best and it was never good enough for Chuck." She's using her dad's first name now. Here we go. " The house was never clean enough. There were never enough dishes done. His favorite shirt of the day was never clean when he needed it. Everything was mom's fault, you know?" I hear her voice breaking, her eyes welling up with tears and her jaw is starting to tremble.

"He would always yell about her for everything and everything. Hell, he had him convinced it was her fault when it rained. He hated her religious beliefs and even called her by her mother's name a few times," Kim sniffles again, a cold smile playing on her lips as if remembering a _fond_ memory. "Mom always just took it. She would barely ever fight back, and she never raised her voice. I think that would just piss him off more, and I think that was my mom's best weapon. When he… when he got drunk there was never any telling him he was wrong, you know?"

"Does your dad get violent when he's drunk?" I have to ask. I can see Chuck trying to hurt Kim or her mom, and Chuck isn't a small man.

"Nah," Kim said shaking her head and wiping away a tear before it could fall. "He's an unpredictable drunk. Sometimes he's funny as hell when he's drunk. Sometimes he gets real quiet and just reads his books from college until he falls asleep. He might start playing some of the songs he grew up with on his guitar. That's the drunk I liked best." It hurts to hear her say that she even had a favorite drunk side of her dad. No kid should have a favorite drunk dad side. That's not on Kim. That's what she grew up with and had to deal with. That's sick that Chuck gave her so many sides to choose from and that Kim had seen them all enough times to have a favorite.

"Most of the time, before I left, he just got mad and shouted a lot. Mostly about money. She was spending 'his paycheck,'" she tosses up air quotes, "on bills, but somehow he was still able to get drunk and smoke whenever he damn well pleased."

"It sounds like you didn't leave your mom. You left him," I offer.

"No, that's the thing," Kim stops and bites her knuckle, her eyes screwed tight, a hand on her belly. She's so sad that she's actually in pain and it's killing me to watch this. I've had my fair share of shit, but not this. "I left dad, but I left mom behind, too." Kim finally loses it and begins to sob, her face buried in her shirt sleeve.

"I don't want to leave mom with him, in that house with that fucker! With me gone, she's his only punching bag now. There's nothing I could do, though. I'm just a seventeen year old girl, Jack. I couldn't do anything," Kim says out of breath.

"Kim, please," I plead with her, my eyes tearing up now because of my best friend in the world, and yes my crush. She's tearing herself to pieces over something she can't control. It's such a terrible situation, but she said it herself. What can she do?

"Kim, none of this is your fault. It's not your job to protect your mom. It's her job to protect herself, and you, her daughter. She should have left Chuck long ago. You left. She can, too."

"There's no way she can still love him. I don't."

"Kim, would you like a hug?" It's against my judgement to offer, given how my head's been spinning today, but no matter what, Kim's heart comes first, whether I'm in it or not.

Kim nods and stands, as do I. We hug it out in the middle of the living room, Kim wrapping her arms under mine so tight. I gently rub her back and don't talk. She doesn't need me to. She just needs me to listen and offer a hug every now and then.

"You can look up to Shawn and Juliet. I know what _not_ to do from watching my dad. You hear all the time how terrible it is to grow up in a broken home. I hear that…" Kim pauses and takes in a deep breath. "But what about growing up in a house that _should_ have broken?"


	7. The Pretender: Jackson Brown

"Kim!?" Jack calls for me as he charges up the stairs. He must be home from work.

"In my room, Jack!" I respond with a little giggle. This boy can be ridiculous. I'm also glad to see him being a little more… well, him, around me. He's been treating me like a kid since I moved in. I mean, I get that. I have been a bit crazy lately. Jack catches me cutting and then I bust open about my mom and that whole story.

"Hey," Jack says with a beaming smile, his head just peeking in my room.

"What's up?" I ask.

"Not much. Checking in on the job hunt."

"it's really not," I say with a sigh before blowing a strand of blonde hair away from my eyes. I look back up at Jack from his laptop screen to see him smiling. "What?"

"I found you a job," Jack tells me with a smug grin.

"Really? Where?!" I ask, unable to contain my excitement.

"You know the coffee shop and used bookstore downtown?"

"Of course I do!" Oh my God, he didn't!

"If you want it, you start Friday." He knows I want it. I love that place!

"That's the best news I've heard in so long!" I gush. I can feel the stupid grin on my face.

"So you'll take it?" Jack asks, his eyebrow raised.

"Of course I want that job, you long haired idiot!" I shout at him as I leap off my bed and pull him into a spine snapping hug.

"You're going to be doing a bit of everything. You'll make drinks, inventory the books and do customer service."

"That's awesome! I want to do all of that!" I can't believe Jack got me _that_ job. It's pretty much my favorite place. "Friday, right?"

"Friday," Jack nods, his face moving my hair a little. Oh shit, I forgot I have him in a death hug.

"Sorry," I apologise sheepishly as I let him go.

"It's fine," Jack shakes off with a chuckle. "You've been trying so hard for a job, let alone one at Clay's Books and Beans." It's a stupid and clever name at the same time. What's not to love?

* * *

 **Jack works at the dojo doing clean up and little odd jobs for Rudy on Fridays and Saturday evenings, so it's no big deal for me to get a ride to work and home with Jack. Clay's Books and Beans is in the mall, too, so that makes it great.**

I'm nervous as all hell because today's my first day. I know you guys are probably all like, 'Kim, it's a coffee shop and a bookstore,' but that's easy for you to say. I've been telling myself that since Jack told me about the job, which I still don't know how he got me, by the way. But seriously, I know it's just my head playing games and shit, but my inner voice is telling me I can't do this, that I'll just fuck it up somehow.

"By guys, have a good time at work!" Juliet tells us as she drops us off with a proud smile. She's dropped Jack off before, so why the… oh shit… she's proud of _me_.

"Thanks, Juliet," I tell her with a smile of my own, trying to hide how much I'm feeling right now. Again, I don't think you get it. Unless you know what it's like to never have a parent truly be proud of you and then have a role model and someone you've cared about for years all but tell you _she's_ proud of you, how could you understand?

"Kim," Juliet calls my name quietly, stopping me with my car door half open. "You'll be fine. You got this," she smiles knowingly. I just smile back and take my leave.

As Juliet pulls away in her little green Volkswagen, I jog to Clay's Books and Beans. It's a little place, a few book shelves, a counter and five little tables. There's no such thing as a rush here. It's a used bookstore. I never know what I'll find or what'll come in.

"Hey, Kim!" Clay shouts as soon as I walk in. I've been a regular of Clay's since day one, so we're on great terms.

"Hi, Clay," I smile and wave but I'm actually trying not to die from nervousness. "How are you?"

"Absolutely wonderful!" Clay's so cheery all the time. I get the feeling that this is really his dream. "Yourself?" he asks. I follow the path of his eyes and see that he's watching my fidgeting fingers that are drumming the sides of my legs.

"I'm really nervous, to be honest." I can't tell him I'm good when he just saw the proof of my unsurity.

"You'll be fine, I promise. You've been a regular since I opened. You've helped people find their books. All you need to do is learn the coffee counter."

"I'm terrible at math."

"Kim, you're trying to psych yourself out," Clay tells me, his lips quirked to the left. I know it and so does he.

"Sorry. First job jitters," I apologise, rubbing my arm and biting my lip.

"You'll be fine," Clay tells me with a little smile. "Come on behind the counter. Make us some drinks to practice," he smiles and leads me over to the maple bar top.

"I've been trying to practice… at home." I'm still trying to get used to Jack's house being mine, too. When I say 'my house,' my dad's house comes to mind and I'm trying to shake that.

"Oh?" Clay asks me, probably looking for examples.

"I made mochas, machiotos, and I tried playing with some lattes and stuff."

"Just for you, or for Mom and Dad?"

"Jack and some friends. I've kind of been guard dogging the coffee pot and making them go through me for service," I say with a smile, looking over a stainless steel cooler door. I've seen Clay and other workers get things from down here, but that's not the same as _knowing_ the cooler.

"Everything okay down there?" Clay asks, peeking over the counter, an eyebrow raised.

"Oh yeah," I make brief eye contact as I come back up. "What would you like?" He's probably going to ask for something I didn't mention practicing.

"Hmm…" Clay scratches his bushy red beard, his eyes focusing on the menu behind and above me, written in fancy but readable cursive in chalk on the blackboard. "Can I have a Dirty Mean Bean?"

I close my eyes and run through the back of my mind, trying to find the concoction.

"Got it!" I snap my fingers and go to work. A Dirty Mean Bean is a mocha with three shots of espresso and a cocoa powder sprinkled on the cool whip, topped with two gummy worms. Yeah. We're a fun place.

"There you go," I smile and slide Clay the drink I made while describing it.

"Let's try it." Clay picks it up and takes off the white plastic lid. "Looks good." He takes a sip and smacks his lips a few times, a thoughtful look on his face. "You pass!"

"Yay!" I almost squeal excitedly.

* * *

 **"** **How was work?" Juliet asks me when she picks up me and Jack. Jack looks at me offers me to speak first.**

"It was awesome!" I tell them both, the smile on my face nearly reaching my ears. I can feel it. "It was slow, so it was a good day to train. I even got some time to do homework. I got paid to study. Jack, how was your day?" Thanks, Jack. Now back to you.

I look over to Jack, and I'm guessing by the quick jerk motion of his head and the slight blush on his face… I just caught him looking at me?

"It was alright," Jack recovers after clearing his throat. "Just the usual." Not to take away from Jack, but I don't see how it could be exciting. He does good work that needs to be done, but it can't be a lot of fun. "I was just made Rudy's partner in the dojo."

"Wait, what?" I backtrack.

"Yeah. Rudy wants me to teach his younger and beginner classes."

"Oh my God, Jack! That's amazing!" I'd hug him, but I'm going to do that thing where I overanalyze everything. I could be wrong, but I swear I caught him looking. This may not seem like a big deal, but this is me and Jack here.

* * *

 **"** **Hey Jack?" I ask quietly, feeling a little nervous about this. His door's open, but he's not home. I'm about to leave, but his bathroom door opens and there he is. In a towel. I can't do this. Not like this. "We'll talk later," I say quickly and haul ass out of there.**

I close my door and go straight to bed still fully dressed. I need a break from Jack for a while, I think. I didn't know living with Jack would complicate things. Are things complicated? Am I just overcomplicating things? I really need to sleep on this.

* * *

 **My alarm clock goes off early. Dwayne Johnson's** ** _The Rock Clock_** **app wakes me up at 6:00 a.m. with his "Good Morning Sunshine" song.**

I toss the light blanket and sheet off with a huge exhale. Waking up an hour early was my idea, but I don't really like it. I'm officially in Operation Dodge Jack.

With only three sit-ups, I power myself out of bed and pick out my clothes for the day before trudging to my connected bathroom that seems like a dream, given the house I grew up in.

I struggle to get the bedhead curls out of my hair before getting dressed and brushing my teeth. In no time I'm working my way down the stairs like a cat, so as not to wake the rest of the house.

I make a quick PB and J, eat a banana, and get the coffee going for Shawn and Juliet before I slip on my sneakers and head out the door.

"Yo K.C., what are you doing up so early?" Shawn's voice freezes me in my tracks.

"I'm gonna head to school early, get some homework done." What is he doing up so early?!

"Jules told me you had enough time to do it at because it was slow. Congratulations on the new job, by the way.," Shawn says with an honest smiles. He's not even pissed that he just caught me lying? "But seriously, what's up with the early Exodus, K.C.? You're not being interrogated. I'm curious."

This is Shawn, one of the coolest and most laid back people I know. He's a little hair brained and crazy, but a lot smarter than most people think because he chooses to act the fool. Anyone that really knows him knows that. If I can't talk to Shawn…

"I'm trying to avoid Jack for a little bit," I tell him straight up.

"Would that have to do with Jack's increasingly hard time dealing with his crush on you?" Shawn asks knowingly and my jaw drops. "Thought so."

"So I did catch him looking at me in the car yesterday."

"You probably did," Shawn confirms, closing the case file he probably stole from Juliet. "So…"

"I… I don't know." What do I do now? One of my best friends, the guy I'm living with, has a crush on me. I had my suspicions, but..

"It's okay, K.C. Don't feel like you have to do anything different. Don't act like Jack is going to try to pull something."

"I know he won't. I just know how much it sucks to like someone and not have them reciprocate in the same way. If you don't mind, Shawn, I'll head off to school. I think I need some girl time with Lusa."

"Sure thing, kiddo. I'll pick you up after… It's Saturday." Oh what the fuck!

I stand there keeping eye contact with Shawn and Shawn staring back. "Was this as awkward for you as it was for me?" I finally ask.

"Oh yeah," Shawn says with a chuckle.

"I made coffee."

"Just go inside," Shawn tells me, flicking his head towards the door.

"Yeah, okay," I agree quickly and scurry away.

* * *

 **Me and Lusa are hanging out in her room playing Mario Kart. It was nice to be told I don't have to ask to go hang out with friends. Juliet just told me to be responsible. My dad was really controlling. Just this little touch of freedom is so damn liberating!**

"You alright over there, Kim?" Lusa asks me, her eyes briefly leaving the game.

"Oh yeah," I sigh as I compose what I want to say. "Night's can be pretty rough, but day to day, I'm actually doing great."

"That's good," Lusa nods before brushing a strand of long dark hair from her eye. She probably didn't expect me to open up like that, but she doesn't seem to be brought down by it or trying to avoid it.

"So living with Jack is going well?"

"It is. He's great and Shawn and Juliet are the coolest. I never thought I would be so pumped to have a job."

"That's great, Kim. I knew you'd bounce back."

"Thanks, Luse," I say happily, the race still in the front of my mind, Lusa in first and me right behind her. We always play team games because Lusa's better than me and because we've seen _Talledega Knights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby_ a few too many times.

"Nah, but seriously… you're dad can go fuck himself. Your mom is awesome and you're a good kid. He's the wiener bag."

I can only laugh and shake my head at Lusa. Whenever I have guy problems or family issues, Lusa's always good for a video game or a movie to get my mind off things. Everybody needs a Lusa.

* * *

 **I walk into work and there's Clay, happy as ever. He's standing behind the counter, a drink in one hand and an open book on Marx in the other. He had a book on Senator Joe McCarthy just yesterday, so you can see the irony in that.**

Yes, I'm seventeen and know who they are. That's one thing I can say about Chuck: the fucker kept me well read. He tried to get me to read a bunch of stuff on local history, but I never cared about the gold rush.

The door opens and my first customer is Jack. Clay immediately excuses himself to the backroom, leaving me to wonder what he knows and how. But then again, it is Clay…

"Hey, Kim," Jack briefly smiles and runs a hand through his hair as he looks up at the board. Who is he kidding. He's having a mocha.

I start making it while he continues to scan the board. He always does this. He'll look for five minutes and always get the medium.

"Yeah, I think I'll just have the… and you're already making it," observes aloud and I smile at him.

"What's up, Jack. I know you're not just here for coffee.

"I could be."

"But you're not."

"Okay, fine," he gives in. My anxiety is currently on red alert, folks. Jack looks around and sees it's us and one couple at the back of the little seating area by the entrance. I cross my arms and wait for him to begin.

"I talked to Shawn this morning."

"So did I."

"I know. That's what we talked about."

"So you know I know?" I ask, sliding him his drink. "That'll be $4.00 please." Jack hands me a five, I give him one back and he puts it in the tips. I smile briefly and resume my crossed arm position.

"So where does this leave us?" he asks and my answer is going to kill me once I see his reaction.

"Where we are now," I tell him quietly, biting my lip and rubbing my arm. "I'm sorry, Jack."

"Don't be. It's what I expected. I just had to know for sure," he tells me, completely emotionless and begins to walk out.

"Jack…" I weakly call after him. Jack's lack of emotion and feeling is never a good thing.

"We're cool," Jack tells me in the same dead voice as he leaves.

"You okay, kiddo?" Clay asks, coming back out, a tight lipped expression on his face.

"So you heard that?"

"Mhmm."

"All of it?"

"Mhmm. Need a hug?" Clay asks, worry in his eyes.

"I'm fine, Clay, I swear. But yeah, I'll take that hug."


	8. Hold Me Now: Thompson Twins

**Inside Jack's Head**

So that went about the way I figured. I knew Kim would say what she did. I _knew_. When you find out Kim Crawford likes you, though, you _have_ to look into it.

I think I could have done better than to just leave like that, though. That leaves a negative impression, doesn't it? I also left my drink behind.

I'm downstairs in my parents' basement, using the black Everlast heavy bag when I hear the front door close. I stop my routine and listen to the tiny footsteps above me.

I shrug to myself and go back to it. My body and karate won't upkeep themselves.

I hear the basement door open, and then the creaking of the old wooden stairs. I can almost hear each little indentation on each step getting deeper. Kim's trying to be as mouse-like as possible, but this old House makes everyone seem like an elephant.

"Jack?" Kim asks quietly, watching me from the bottom step, trying to see me under the low hanging wooden support beams.

"What?" I ask without any emotion in my voice, my heavy breathing and measured strikes echoing off the concrete floors.

"Are you okay? You told me you are, but I could tell you weren't."

"We're cool, Kim, just like I said," I assure her.

"Are we?"

"What do you want from me?!" I shout as I drive a roundhouse into the top of the bag. I turn to look at her, my eyebrows raised to show I'm waiting.

"I… I don't really know!" she raised her voice back. "Let's talk about it. What did you expect? Do you like me back? There's no way what happened in the coffee shop is end of story!"

"Why are _you_ so flustered?" I ask, leaning on the bag, my forearm over the vinyl top for balance. "Do you want me to like you back? What the fuck would that help?"

"I don't know, Jack!" Kim is fully shouting at me know.

"Yes you do, Kim! You came down for a reason. Are you trying to hurt me? Are you trying to rub in that douche knuckle has you and I don't? Are you so insecure right now that you _need_ me to tell you when it's so fucking obvious? You want me to tell you I like you so you have a reason to leave here? What is it, Kim?!" I'm absolutely trembling right in front of her, and she seems to have shrunk down to three feet.

Tears are streaking down her face now. I just absolutely pulled off the kid gloves and tore her apart in my fucking basement. I feel like a monster, but I don't want my emotions to be treated like a cat's yarn ball. I've been through hell, too, and I'm trying to help her with hers.

Kim breaks into sobs and sinks down to sit on the bottom step. She runs her little hands through her long blonde hair and looks up at me with helpless brown eyes. What the fuck am I supposed to do with her?

Yeah, she absolutely needs to drop Brett like a hot rock. She needs someone who can care for her and make her feel self worth after everything she's been through and while she's going through all this. She needs to work that out herself. I even called him a 'douche knuckle,' whatever the fuck that is.

"Come find me when you know what you want me to be," I say softly. That's a cold thing to say, I know. I can only _help_ her. This is her life. I can't tell her what to do, and I can't pull any triggers for her. She's a smart girl. She just needs to pull her head out of her ass. It could take a while and she might need help with it, but I won't do what Milton said he thought I was doing. I won't direct Kim right to me.

* * *

I've been on the couch watching TV for a few hours now. It's midnight and Shawn and Juliet already got home and went to bed an hour ago. Kim never came out of the basement.

I get up off the thick cushioned emerald green couch in my living room and take the few steps into the kitchen. The linoleum tile is cold on my bare feet, but I want to check on Kim.

I open the door and peek down the stairs to see where she is. You know that thing when people say they're heart drops to their shoes? That doesn't happen. My heart is pumping in overdrive and feels a lot heavier, though. Why? Because Kim is still sitting on the bottom, dusty ass step with her head lulled to the side and resting on the old wooden hand railing. I can hear the occasional, faintest snore every other second or so. She probably cried until she fell asleep. While I was upstairs watching TV and brooding.

I sigh deeply and try to tiptoe down the steps that probably should have rotted out years ago. I swear the basement is the only crappy part of the house.

Ever so carefully, I worm one arm over Kim's shoulder and the other under her legs. This is a narrow staircase, not even able to fit two people down at one time. With more care than I've ever done anything with before, I scoop up Kim and bring her to my chest. She nestles into me and puts her delicate hand on my shoulder. There's no way she knows she's doing it, and that innocence is clawing into my heart. She just told me we're friends, the friendzoning I _saw_ coming, I just blew up all over her until she fell asleep while crying, and I just lost the fight on trying to pretend she's not absolutely adorable right now. I fucking hate my life right now.

With Kim safely cradled in my arms, I start back up the stairs. It's a total bitch because I'm doing it backwards. I just don't have the room to turn around. It's the longest flight of stairs ever at this moment, but I just made it to the top! And she's still sleeping, peaceful as ever.

Walking through the rest of the house is a breeze because Kim isn't heavy at all. I think she'd kill me even if I _thought_ otherwise. Tiptoeing through the house even in the dead of night is no problem, but maneuvering Kim up the three flights of stairs may be tricky. It's really one with three turns, but whatever. Again, it's a narrow staircase. People must have been a lot smaller when this place was built.

Kim's room is at the end of the short hall to the left. She's still dead to the world, so I think I can get her to bed without waking her.

I get to her room like I know I could and I push past the thick but mostly wooden door. Kim doesn't have a lot in here, or at least not yet. She has a single mattress pushed against the wall, under the window she has already open. She has a little dresser and her school stuff next to it. There's a little sky blue maple desk with an old TV and a DVD player hooked up to it. The room feels almost like a prison cell, but it's a work in progress.

I crouch down in front of Kim's mattress and pull the green sheet as well as the black and silver fluffy comforter back. I lay her down as gently as I can and her in. As I stand back up, I realize just how little I know what to do.

I want this girl. I can't lie about that and it's already out of the bag to her, thanks to Shawn. But I think she already knew. She had to have. Just like I've known since my first competition with the Wasabis that she likes me, too. And we're in the same house together. And she's in a one sided relationship.

"Jack?" Kim's sleepy voice grabs my attention and… fuck. I'm still just standing over her like some kind of creep. "Did you put me to bed?" she asks as she sits up.

"Yeah, I did. I couldn't just leave you to sleep in the basement." She pats the mattress next to her and I plop down. "Are you mad at me?" I have to ask.

"No. You were right. I should have just left things where they were. I'm sorry I pushed. You weren't alright, but there's nothing I can do about it…" Kim trails off sadly.

"Kim, don't beat yourself up. We missed our shot, if we had one. Did we have one?" This is my not so subtle way of asking her if she likes me back.

"I don't think we did, Jack. I'll admit… I like you, too. And I can't blame you for us not being together. We like each other, and as soon as I _thought_ I was ready to date, Brett was right there."

"How did your dad feel about it?" I want to ask her why she accepted, but I can't ask that.

Kim rubs her chin and huffs. "Oddly enough, he was okay with it. It was one of the few things he trusted my judgement on."

I don't know what to say. I know what I want to say, but not what I can. I want to ask, 'and how's that going for you?' Am I a dick for thinking it.

"I wish… he wouldn't have let me," Kim mumbles, but I still catch it. "I wasn't ready to start dating at fifteen. Now… now I'm paying for it."

"Kim, are you okay?" Is that a stupid question?

"I don't think so… maybe?" Kim asks, turning to look at me. She doesn't know if she's allowed to say no? She doesn't know if she's okay? I could get that.

"What do you mean?" I finally ask her.

"If you're talking about us, then yes, I think I'm okay. If you're talking about how I'm doing in general, like, the whole picture… then no, I don't think I'm okay." Okay. I think I can work with this.

"Talk to me. What's going on?"

Kim sighs and looks at her little hands. "I'm trying, Jack. I'm helping out here, I'm doing good at school, I have a job now, thanks to you. But I just can't… I can't shake how lonely I am," Kim whispers like it's something to be ashamed of. "I still feel like I'm not worth the time of day."

My eyes are trained on her hands now, watching her fingers interlock then separate. The way she runs the back of her own hand in a soothing motion. She's trying to calm herself down in the same way a close friend or a significant other would. But she's doing it herself. It's heart breaking.

"Kim, anything I can tell you is so much easier said than done to the point that I won't even tell you. All I can say is that you may feel alone, but you're not. You do have a lot of people that care. You have people that care _a lot_."

Kim just sits there. Staring. She won't break eye contact and I don't know what's happening. Did I piss her off? Do I need to say more? Did I say to much? Should I leave?

"It's late and we both had a long day. I'll see you tomorrow, Kim." I stand to leave, but Kim takes my hand. I stop and look down at her expectantly. She stopped me for a reason.

"Jack…" Kim stops and keeps staring at me. She opens her mouth to speak but not a sound comes out. I can't leave her alone tonight.

With her hand still holding onto mine, I'm able to stretch enough to quietly close her door. I drop onto her bed and get in next to her as she scoots closer to the wall.

I could ask to make sure I'm reading her right, but that might just make it awkward. Instead, I lay down next to her and she pulls the blanket over the two of us. We're both fully clothed, and that's probably for the best, right?

"You don't mind staying with me tonight?" Kim asks sheepishly, the two of us staring into each other's eyes. It's dark as hell in here, but I can see the orange glow from the street lights so I know where I'm looking. She must be drawn to mine somehow, because I know she's looking right into me.

"Not at all," I whisper. I'm not whispering because it's late, but because I… I don't know. I feel like we have a good atmosphere here, but it's fragile, you know?

"Have you and Brett ever slept in the same bed?" I find myself asking, and now I hate myself for it.

"Oh god no!" Kim giggles, and I find myself smiling. "Chuck never would have been cool with it. Mr. Prude would have killed Brett and grounded me until death. Brett's never let us get in a situation like that anyway."

"But you're okay with this?" Shut up, Jack! Wait, no, I'm good. This might be something Kim needs to talk about.

"Yeah, I am. I trust you, and you seem to be the only one who's constantly here for me," Kim tells me in the hushed tone we've been keeping. "Oh no," Kim says and tenses up. Her eyes drop down and now I feel like I did something to hurt her.

"What is it?" I ask hurriedly.

"I'm using you. I'm so sorry. I'm being so selfish with your time. You've been putting so much time into me and I've just been taking, taking, taking."

"Hey, relax. I'm here because I want to be. You're not using me. I outstretched a hand and you took it because we're friends. Nothing's going to change that." I don't know if saying 'friends' was wrong, but the whole message wasn't.

"I don't know how to say thank you enough without saying it a million times," Kim says with a giggle because 'real' talks are still pretty new to us. We've always been there for each other, but the heart to hearts haven't always been our thing.

"Don't worry about it. Just pay it forward. Now go to sleep," I tell her. My next question is do I stay all night, or make my getaway when she's sound asleep?


	9. Talking in Code: The Nuclear So and Sos

**Inside Kim's Head**

Jack's still here, I notice as I rub the sleep from my eyes. He's out like a light. I'm going to get up and get on with my Sunday. The Sunday paper, if I can wrestle it from Juliet, has the housing and rent section that I need.

Yes, I'm going to start looking for my own place. I think I can take care of myself, and with the tension between me and Jack… I think it's for the best.

I'm all dressed and ready to do relatively nothing. I'm not expecting anything too crazy today. I think it'll be a while before me and Jack have another talk of consequence. Maybe we can do something with the guys. Maybe just the two of us can watch a movie here.

I head downstairs and Juliet's in the kitchen, paper in hand like I expected.

"Morning, Kim," Juliet says with a beaming smile. "Both the boys are still asleep," she tells me, completely unaware that me and Jack shared a bed. Again, nothing happened.

"That's good. It's Sunday. They should be taking it easy," I say with a yawn as I reach into the oak cupboard and pull out a Seaford police department mug.

"What about you?" Juliet asks, tilting her head to the side. "What are you doing up early?"

"I don't know how I got up so early," I tell her honestly. I really shouldn't be awake before 9:00 a.m. This is some bullshit! This little black eight cup coffee pot helps.

"Paper?" Juliet asks, half of it outstretched now. She must have caught me staring at it.

"Thanks," I smile and take it as I sit down at the emerald green tile kitchen counter next to her.

"When did you start reading the paper? Not that that's bad! I think it's great," she backpedals before I can take the question the wrong way. Not that I would.

"I think it's a good habit for me to get into. I should have a while ago. The Wasabis end up in it often enough, but I never read about it," I say and laugh at my own joke.

"You guys are, aren't you?" Juliet laugh as she flips the page of the _Seaford Sun_. "I'm proud of you kids. When you're in the paper it's because you end up stopping crime, not because you're committing it." Juliet smiles at me and gives me a gentle and supportive shoulder rub.

"Thank you, Juliet. That means a lot." It really does. "We're still not in it as much as Shawn." That guy's all over the _Sun_.

"My man keeps busy," Juliet smiles. "How's your man?" Juliet keeps smiling and elbows my arm.

"Eh," I shrug. I don't really know what else to give her.

"Trouble in paradise?" Juliet asks, her tone quickly switching to worried.

"What's paradise?" I grumble as I take a sip of my black Folgers coffee.

"Things haven't been the same since you left home, huh?" Juliet's hand hasn't left my shoulder, and I'm actually thankful. Juliet's care for me means so much. I can't even describe it.

"We haven't been great for a while if I'm being honest with myself," I admit.

"What's going on?" Juliet rests her chin in her palm, telling me I have her full attention.

"He's just… a stick in the mud, you know? We never get time together, and it's great when we do, but it's so far in between. And when we're together, he's more of a friend, you know? A good friend, but not much of a boyfriend." This is coming out easier than I expected. The power of girl talk, I guess.

"He's not very affectionate?" Juliet guesses and nails it.

"Oh god no!" I say through a laugh. "I'm not asking for much, but the dude doesn't get how cuddles work. Me curling into his side and him not even trying to put his arm around me isn't cuddles, Juliet!"

"No, it's not," Juliet puffs out her cheeks and exhales slowly. "You're cute as a button, Kim, so it's definitely not your fault."

"I'm starting to wonder if he finds me attractive," I admit. "He never tells me I'm pretty. He never calls me beautiful and I always initiate physical contact."

"I hear you. Without going into details that will make you want to remove your own brain, me and Shawn have quite the opposite problem. Have you tried talking to Brett about it?" She's really on a roll today.

"No, I haven't. I can try."

"Do you two talk about, well… you two, very often?"

"Not really, no." I'm starting to feel like an idiot. "He never brings anything up and I'm always nervous to. You know I'm not good opening up and stuff."

"You're in a relationship, Kim. If you want it to survive, you need to be able to talk things out. Communication really is important."

Juliet's doing that thing where she's being more of a mom than I've ever had. I'm torn, really. My belly hurts. It's flippy floppy because I appreciate her more than I can express, but it also kinda hurts that she's not my mom and that I had to leave mine to get the help most girls have right at home. Does that make sense? Am I wrong, or is this just my fucked up and battered head?

"Kim, honey? Are you okay?" Juliet asks, waving a hand in front of my face.

"What? Oh, yeah," I lie.

"Are you sure? You don't look great."

I don't know how to touch this. I don't want to lie, not with this. I don't want to drop that on her, though. I don't want to play self inflicted Orphan Annie.

"Come on, Kim. What's going on?" Juliet presses quietly, a hand rubbing little circles on my back.

"You're more of a mom to me than my mom is, and I've only been here less than a week." Let's go with truth. Why not, right? It's Juliet, after all.

She wraps me in a hug that I didn't see coming, but I don't waist any time in hugging her back.

"Thank you so much for being here for me when you don't have to be," I whisper into her beautiful blonde hair that falls around her shoulders.

"Of course," she whispers back and pulls me tighter. "Remember honey, we adopted Jack. Helping you kids is just who we are."

"That makes you two so much better." I'm starting to wonder if trying to strike out on my own is such a good idea anymore. I mean, yeah I've always been impulsive, but maybe this is too much too soon? Do I bring it up with Juliet? Should I ask Shawn, knowing the kind of guy he is?

"Talk to me any time," Juliet offers and pulls back from the hug as Shawn comes into view from across the house. It's a wide open shot from the living room to the kitchen with a big window so we can even see outside.

"I will," I smile and go back to my coffee as Shawn comes in.

"Morning, Babe," Shawn greets his wife with a smile and a kiss. "Mornin' K.C."

"Morning, Shawn," I respond with a smile to match his.

"Reading the paper are we? Moving up in the world?" Shawn asks with a raised brow as he grabs a mug for himself.

"Yeah, just looking into some things," I tell him calmly, not so sure that I am.

"Like moving?" he counters just as coolly.

"How did you know?" I'm honestly lost here.

"I passed by your room to slide something under Jack's door and saw yours was open. Not only was Jack asleep in _your_ bed," Shawn tosses out and Juliet's eyes jump straight to me, wide and blue, "I also saw your duffel bag on the floor, a pair of pants half in and half out. Your paper's also open to the rentals page." I hate Shawn sometimes.

"When were you going to tell me about this?" Juliet asks, her jaw dropping and hurt in her eyes.

"I was just about to," I say sadly, the paper still in front of me, now staring me down. "I…"

"You're leaving already?" Jack is still in the living room and I can hear the anger in his voice. "Kim, you can't."

"Jack's right, K.C. You're nowhere near ready," Shawn crossed his arms and shakes his head.

"You can't afford it, it'd be really stressful with you in school. And right now, I just don't think being on your own is what's best for you." Juliet sighs and takes my hands in hers.

"We're not trying to be your parents, K.C."

I close my eyes and nod my head. "I know. I just want to prove to myself I can make it. I don't want to owe anybody anything."

"I get that," Jack adds in a mumbled, his eyes focused on the navy blue dining room carpeting he's standing on. "But Kim, I don't think you're ready yet either. I swear I'm not being selfish," he adds his hands going up beside his head, allowing me to see the sharp cut off his bicep from under his t-shirt sleeve.

I catch myself before Jack can catch me looking and I bring myself to the matter at hand. "What do you mean? Why would I think you were being selfish?"

Jack sighs deeply and runs a calloused hand through his neck length chocolate brown hair. His equally brown eyes flash to me and then to Shawn and Juliet. "I feel the same way Kim does."

"You want to leave, too?" Juliet asks, her voice threatening to crack.

Shawn's by Juliet's side, his hands working her neck and shoulders from over her black blouse. "Honey, let Jack explain before you get all teary eyed, okay?" he asks and kisses the top of her head. I'm not used to Shawn being a voice of reason.

"I know where Kim is coming from, he begins and comes around into the kitchen. "You guys adopted me, and I can't speak for every adopted child, but while you two feel like my parents…" Jack sighs again and scratches his hairless chin. I think he doesn't know how to say it. I put my hand on his forearm, trying to let him know he can say anything he needs to here. He nods and says, "I always feel like I'm on borrowed time."

"I hear that," I mumble, and Jack puts a hand over mine. "Shawn, Juliet, the two of us can never thank you enough for the kindness you've given us, which is why we can't stay here more than is absolutely necessary. Jack is your adopted son, but I'm just… Kim," I sigh and look between the three of them. "I'm a girl you took in because I need help and you're the best candidate to help me. But as soon as I can fly on my own, I need to do that."

"Me and Jules haven't talked about this yet, K.C., but I think we'd both be okay with calling you our daughter." Did I just hear Shawn right?

"Did… did you just offer…" I don't know what happened to my mind just now, but the thing just up and shut the fuck down!

"Offer to adopt you?" Juliet's question half answers my own. "Yes Shawn did, and I'm okay with it," she confirms. Damn those emotional blue eyes of hers! She's worse than a puppy!

I turn to Jack and he's just as stunned as I am.

"Hold the fuck up a minute," Jack says, seeming calm. He walks out on us! I think we all expected to rehash something so we all know we're clear, but he's going upstairs now!

Oh shit. This is too much. Jack doesn't want this. He doesn't want me here, does he? He was okay with a temporary fix, but Shawn and Juliet are talking adoption now? I'm seventeen why even bother? Am I the only one confused as hell right now? I have parents, and I think I hate them, so another set probably isn't a great idea. And what would that make me and Jack? And what about the part where Jack being adopted and all, still feels like he needs to go soon? How would adopting me help anything? Do they think that's going to make me feel more at home here? Would it? I just… can't… _urgh!_

I'm still stunned. My body doesn't seem to want to move. Juliet and Shawn look just as stunned by everything that's happened. It's not even 10:00 in the morning. Do I go after Jack? Should Shawn or Juliet? Do I talk to them more?

My heart says go to Jack. My head says don't move. When have I ever listened to my head?

I slowly slide off the stool and leave Shawn and Juliet to work out whatever's ahead of them now. They're adults. They don't need me right now.

I slowly climb the old creamy blue painted stairs, trying not to creak. I pad my way across the hall and softly knock on Jack's door. I don't know if he wants to talk, so I figure I shouldn't just barge in.

I wait… and wait… and wait. I don't think he's going to… just then he opens the door. My heart just skipped a beat, I think. I don't know how to feel about that.

"Yeah?" Jack asks. I think he's trying to sound neutral to all this.

"Are you okay?" I ask weakly, rubbing my upper right arm. _Are you okay?_ Really, Kim? That's what you're going with?

"Yeah," Jack says with the same tone and nods. This is going _so_ well. "You?"

"I… I don't know…" I admit, staring at my bare feet. "I'm really confused right now."

"You seem to be a lot lately, but I'm not surprised," Jack tells me and scratches the back of his neck, just below the base of his skull.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"You're going through some pretty crazy shit right now, huh?"

"You could say that," I say with a light smile, the air between me and Jack seeming to clear a little. "This morning is more than I expected, but it's my fault."

"Get in here," Jack says and kinda tugs me in, closing the door behind me. "What do you mean it's your fault?" Jack asks with crossed arms and an unsure look. I think he's getting ready to call bullshit.

"Well, me and Juliet started talking, and we somehow got to talking about Brett, and the trainwreck we kind of are right now, and then Shawn came and blew open the thing about me leaving, and then you were like 'I'ma leave too soon.' Then Shawn and Juliet drop an adoption bomb outta nowhere then you left, and I'm here thinking you either don't know what to think or you actually hate me and don't want me to stay… but looking at your eyes right now… you're smiling… and shaking your head…" What's happening? "You think I'm an idiot?" I guess. "Jack, why are you getting closer?" I can't breathe.

"Kim, I don't know what I'm feeling either. I just know that whatever it is… you're at the center of it."


	10. Pour Me Out: He Is We

**I know this is the shortest chapter ever, but I have a whole bunch of excuses as to why it's been so long and why it's so short. I've made up for it with a hopefully powerful chapter that's very important to the story**

* * *

 **Inside Jack's Head**

Kim's staring at me with those big brown doe eyes and we're both frozen. Neither of us seem able to speak. How do I explain what I just said?

"Jack," Kim tries, her voice so soft but choking up, "I said that nothing's changed."

"I know you did. Honestly, I was bummed. I would have been destroyed in Books and Beans if I wasn't expecting that answer. But what I mean is… is that I don't care that you said no. I'm still here because above all, I'm your friend, Kim. That's not changing."

"Jack, I think I need to talk to Brett."

"What about?" I ask, taking a step back. "If this has anything to do with me, don't do anything."

"No. This is for me. I need to talk to him about us because when I go a month without seeing him out of school, it makes me wonder if he actually cares about me, you know? And if he doesn't, I need to know."

"Okay," I tell her softly. "I won't ask you how it goes, but if it doesn't go well… don't go back to the knife, okay?"

"Okay," Kim agrees.

"Promise me," I push. Kim chews her lip and shuffles. "Kim," I growl with a goat. If that talk goes the way I'm guessing, I don't want her getting worse. I don't ever want to catch her cutting again.

"Fine," Kim sighs and crosses her arms. I won't budge till she says it. "I promise." There it is.

"When are you talking to him?"

"Today, if I can."

* * *

Kim got a hold of Brett and they agreed to meet at the bike path just a couple blocks from my house. Kim just snuck out, and I gave her no hint that she's only getting a three minute head start on me.

It's just about time for me to go, I notice as I look at my black leather banded Timex wrist watch. I've been sitting here by the front window for ten minutes, playing how this is going to go. It's gonna take a lot of control for me to not put him six feet under if he has the wrong answers. I'm already betting he will.

Seeing that it's go time, I pull on my black New Balance shoes and head out the door to get to the bike path before Brett shows up. Kim is always early, so I know even with her lead, I'll still be ahead of Brett.

Yes, I'm spying on Kim, but I feel like I'm not doing a terrible thing here. If this doesn't work out for Kim, I need to be here so I can know how best to help her. I swear that as bad as this looks, I'm doing it for the right reason.

I have just enough time to pull myself into tree, completely unnoticed because I'm a ninja, and also because Kim is pacing back and forth mumbling to herself. It would take a gunshot to get her attention.

I'm not in my tree for five minutes when Brett shows up. He hugs Kim and Kim hugs him back, but doesn't make an attempt to kiss him. My jaw drops and my heart stops for a moment before throwing itself into double time. I know what this is.

"Hey Kim, what's up?" Brett asks calmly. I don't think he knows what's happening here.

"When was the last time we saw each other out of school?" Kim begins the Inquisition.

"Gee, it's been awhile, hasn't it?" Brett asks with a chuckle that sounds a little guilty to me.

"Two months," Kim says, her voice kinda quiet. "Two months," she says again, her head dropping a little this time. "I miss us, Brett. Remember those long summer days our first summers together, when we'd just lay on your kitchen floor, of all places, and talk about everything and nothing? Remember the movie and smoothie dates? What happened?" Kim's voice cracks and a little bit of my heart does, too.

"I miss those, too. I wish we still had that kind of time, Kim." Brett steps closer but Kim takes one step back, her arms holding onto a tree branch above her head. I can see the strain on her forearms. She's squeezing the life out of that poor piece of wood.

"I do have time, Brett. I love you, so I make sure I have time. What about you? Do you just look at your schedule and think, 'hmm, I can fit Kim in here.'" I can't see Kim's face, but I can see her whole body shaking a tiny bit.

"I hate to admit it… but yes," Brett whispers, and my hearing strains to pick it up.

"Are you even interested in me anymore? In us?" I can't see her face, I know a tear is about to roll.

"We're just not working out, Kim," Brett admits. I have to give him credit because he's keeping eye contact with the girl he's breaking the heart of. At least he's doing that.

"Are you even trying?" Kim's composure finally breaks, her voice rising. "So you don't want to try to fix this? We're going to let two years die?"

"I didn't lose interest, Kim. I lost time. I knew I was going to break your heart. I hoped you'd lose interest in me and you'd call it off before you could get hurt." You jackass. You weak, fucking coward! It's taking all of my restraint and training not to come down from this tree and put his ass in the ground.

"So that's it?" Kim asks, her arms wrapped around herself, tugging on the soft yellow fabric of her t-shirt, a slight breeze blowing her golden blonde hair. I can almost see the goosebumps on her skin from here. "We're done?"

*I… I think so. I think that's best for the both of us."

"For you, too, Kim. We're going separate ways, sooner than later. It'll be easier if we do this now."

"Okay," Kim gives in with a gentle, maybe reluctant, nod of her head. They come together for a hug and I watch as Kim's body begins to shake with sobs. I can't help it. I feel tears of my own escape as I watch my best friend's heart fall out of her chest and to the black pavement at her feet. I can't say I don't want her, but I never want her to be hurt. I never want to cause it. Making Kim Crawford cry should be a fucking sin. Hell, maybe it is.


	11. Simmer Down: Mallory Everton

**Assuming Kim**

Well that just happened. I just broke up with Brett. I saw this coming from a mile away a month ago, so I'm really not shocked. I feel like I should be devastated, given that I just ended my first ever relationship. I won't say I feel liberated as I walk home right now. I don't feel heavier or enlightened. I feel just like I did before, and that actually worries me a bit.

The sky's still blue, the pavement's still black, the leaves on the trees in the neighbors' yards are still green. I'm still depressed as all hell, but I expected that, too. Brett's just one more person I don't need in my life, and he didn't need me. I'm oddly okay with all of this. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be needed, but after feeling tossed aside and so fucking trampled for the last year or so, it wasn't hard to let go of the idea. I wasn't even holding on with both hands. I came into this situation today holding onto less than a strand of hope. God damn it do I wish I wouldn't have cried, though. I didn't think I had to until the final words actually came out.

It's a quick walk home, and I find myself in front of the little stone path that leads up to the front door. Yup, the house is still the same. Funny how dropping a boy didn't change the world at all for me, but girls at school are distraught whenever their little dates don't go perfectly. Have they ever been stood up twice, been rain checked for Valentine's Day and their second anniversary date cut short for their boyfriend's practice? I ain't crying over shit anymore. That little bit of crying was a fluke, I'll tell myself that all I want.

* * *

I'm in my bedroom just laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. It's a boring ceiling to stare at. There's no tiles to count or anything. It's just white and dull. I really need a distraction from the circles running in my head right now. Just little what ifs. What if I gave it more time? Could I have tried to give Brett some kind of ultimatum? Would I want to be in a relationship with a guy that would do such a thing? Oh god… if I just broke up with Jack, what's to keep us apart except the idea of him being a rebound? Would he be a rebound or was the idea of a boy like him the thing in my head that was the final straw in my decision? I don't feel like he'd be a rebound. But would he feel like a rebound? Jack Brewer isn't a second choice kind of guy, and I would never want him to feel like one. I need some air!

I get off my bed and open the door to see Jack standing there, his hand raised like he's about to knock. "Hey."

"Hey," he says back simply, dropping his rm and sliding his hand into the pocket of his jeans. "I was bored and was wondering if you wanted to maybe get something to eat? We could grab lunch or ice cream or coffee? You probably don't want to go for coffee since you work in a coffee shop. Well, a book and a coffee shop…" I could cut off Jack from his ramblings, it's absolutely endearing and I love it. It's actually just what I needed.

"I would love to, Jack, but I don't have any money right now. I'm not even close to my first paycheck, and I've been hiding my tips around the house in weird places for Shawn to find. It's like a game because he finds a dollar here and there, and he gets all excited like a big kid," I explain.

"When have I ever suggested you pay for anything?" Jack laughs. It's true. I don't know how Brett never got jealous, the way me and Jack have always been. I wonder if maybe he was jealous and that led to how far we drifted. Maybe he never cared that much about me? Here I go again with the circles and the what ifs.

"That was before I was living in your spare bedroom, Jack," I don't know why I'm arguing about this. Wasn't I just saying I needed a distraction? Jack's giving me one and I'm quickly swatting it away. If I say yes though, I'll seem totally indecisive. Aren't I though?

"We can find something to do that doesn't cost money," Jack suggests and I like the idea of where he's going. "There's those free concerts in the park, There's one of those today at 3:00."

"It's… 12:30," I say, checking the time on my phone.

"Great! That gives us time for lunch!" Jack exclaims and tugs me out of my room. I can't put up a fight now that he has me openly laughing. Leave it to Jack Brewer to get a girl laughing the same day she just broke up with her long-term boyfriend. Aren't I supposed to be cursing every male alive right now?

"Oh my god, fine!" I yield through my laughter. "Where do you want to go?"

"Guess." I hate when he does this.

"Uh… Circus Burger?" First place that came to mind.

"We are now." I have to laugh again at Jack's proud smirk, the one he gets every time he thinks he's clever.

* * *

We get to the mall and hop out of Jack's car and head straight in. I'm bringing up memories from freshman year because it's light and fun. That's what I need right now. I don't want to think about sad things. My mind keeps going back to Brett because freshman year wasn't bad for us. It was actually really nice, like I had told Brett earlier today. Great. I'm bringing myself to what I didn't want to think about just by thinking about not thinking about it. What the frickity fuck is that shit?

"Hey, you okay down there?" Jack asks, lightly nudging my shoulder. I look up at him and see worry in his eyes. I'm going to let him know. He's been so good to me so far, except with last night, but I don't want to go into that. It sucked, but I think I needed to get chewed out.

"Yeah," I say with a smile, nudging him back. "I'm just trying not to think about Brett." Jack frowns and now I'm sorry for telling him because he's upset. I'm crashing at every turn.

"Today didn't go well, did it?" Jack slowly extends his arm and his fingers reach out even slower. He touches my hair and tucks it behind my ear. I close my ears and turn my head. I find myself wanting his touch more than not, but I can't. I can't take him right now. That would make us both look bad. Not only that, but I need to make sure I really am okay before me and Jack do anything. I would be absolutely devastated if I wasn't and Jack got hurt. I can _feel_ that me and Jack have a future, but I can't risk us doing anything right now.

"No it didn't. Me and Brett… we're done," I tell him and keep walking. I don't have to look back to know he's walking right behind me. I don't think he's going to say anything. What would he say? 'I'm sorry?' 'Good?' There are some things that don't really need a response.

"Need to talk about it?" That's not what I expected.

"Jack, I really appreciate it, but since when has relationship stuff been your thing?" I chuckle a little, trying to lighten the mood. I hope he doesn't think it was an insulting laugh. I need to think before I speak or verbalize instead of after.

"When it's you." Damn. "I don't need to talk. I can see it in your eyes that you need to vent, though." Venting does sound really nice. I forget that Jack is actually really perceptive. He just shows it so little. He must have learned it from Shawn.

"If I'm going to vent, can we go to the dojo instead of to Circus Burger?" I feel like it's better to lose my shit at the dojo than in a public eatery.

"Of course," Jack smiles. I think he's just happy that I'm allowing myself to talk to not just anyone, but to him.

It's a short walk to the dojo, and because Jack is teaching a class now, he has a key to get us in. He flicks on the light and I immediately go to wrap my hands. Jack does the same, probably not knowing what we'll be doing. I don't exactly know. Do I want to fight him or the bag. When Jack takes a defensive stance, he knows I need to really lose steam. He's willing to be my aggression receptacle.

"Okay. Start where you're ready, when you're ready," Jack offers and he starts our little spar with a testing jab.

"It was me that asked Brett out." Front kick.

"Really?" Simple block by pushing my foot down.

"Yeah. It was by his locker in freshman year. He was on the floor digging through the bottom of his locker for a book. I was about to go to my class, and something told me to stop. So I did." Snap kick which Jack jumps back from. "I walked over to him and simply asked if he wanted to do something with me later like grab coffee. He smiled and said yes." Roundhouse blocked by inside axe kick.

"That's actually pretty sweet." Jack smiles and throws a jab that I block with a simple right arm front block.

"Yeah. Things were nice when we first started. Brett's always had a busy schedule, but we were able to squeeze in little dates," I explain. Jump front kick that Jack shuffles backward to avoid.

"When did things start to change?"

"When my family life started getting worse. My dad started drinking more and he got worse. He and my mom were fighting more and it was starting to affect me. I developed depression, and… I started having a harder time fighting it, you know?" I begin to sniffle and I really don't know where it came from. "I started cutting. I felt like my parents didn't want me, and as my mood kept falling, so did the good times me and Brett had." This whole story is just rolling out now. "I started feeling like I was too much for Brett to handle, which I guess I m. He shouldn't have to, right? Why the fuck would he want a girl who cuts and wakes up depressed as hell every morning? I try so fucking hard to come off as okay every day when I'm really not. I thought I could tell him because that's what people in relationships do, right?" I'm trembling now and my chest is rising and falling with my increased breathing. What the fuck is this? I feel light and almost heavy at the same time. I'm so fucking confused.

"Kim, are you okay? Breathe," Jack coaches and I try to do what he said.

"I just feel so fucking worthless, Jack." My words come back. "My parents didn't want me. I wasn't worth them stopping the fight for. I wasn't worth the effort to Brett. I'm terrified of relationships now because of what Mom and Dad went through, and how Brett made me feel. I'm only seven-fucking-teen, Jack!" I feel tears gathering behind my eyes, trying to escape. "I shouldn't be afraid of love!"

The tears fall fast and hard and I screw my eyes shut. I try to turn so Jack can't see my face, but I feel his strong hand grab my shoulder and turn me back towards him. He pulls me into a tight hug and literally lifts me off my feet.

"They're all idiots," he whispers into my hair. "All of them. You're precious."

* * *

 **I don't know what made me sit down and write this chapter in one go until… 1:12 a.m., but anyways, here ya go..**


	12. Adam's Song: Blink 182

**Inside Jack's Head**

It's been about two weeks since I watched Kim break up with Brett. It's been a good and a rough two weeks, I guess. She's doing fine in school and loving her job. She's still pretty reserved, but she's back at the lunch table.

I could be wrong, but I think this may be a hard week for her. It'll be her first Thanksgiving out of the house. I want to invite her to a good Spencer Thanksgiving, but Juliet and Shawn are both working on a case. Some asshole stole the entire Toys for Tots bin from the central court at the mall. Jerry tried to stop the guy himself, but Jerry got his ass beat. He's okay, though. There's a lot of other petty, personal cases Shawn is knee deep in.

So that leaves me and Kim alone for Thanksgiving. It makes me wish I could cook. Even though it's just me and her, I want to give her a nice meal, you know? She deserves it. She needs a good, fun holiday to keep her mind off of things.

I get up out of my bed with the resolution to at least talk to her. I pull on my usual jeans and pull on a black v-neck. I don't know why I always wear v-necks. It's just my own little thing, I guess. Whatever. I think it works.

I tip across the hardwood hallway floor and gently knock on the door.

"Come in!" Kim calls from the other side.

I open the door and stop dead in my tracks. She's on a yoga mat she brought herself. She's in tight black leggings and a very form fitting teal blue performance tee. Salutations to the Sun pose…

"What's up, Jack?" Kim asks me, her eyes still closed, probably focusing on the stretch but in a different way than I am.

I collect my head and get on to it. "Thanksgiving is this week, so I was," Kim sighs deeply and opens her eyes before I can finish speaking my thought.

"No," she tells me flatly. "I don't want to be dragged along to a big Thanksgiving where I don't know everyone. I don't want to answer my I'm there with you, Shawn, and Juliet while I'm there. I don't want to see people looking at me or talking behind my back. Thanks, but I'm good."

I actually expected that. "That is not what I was going to say at all." She looks guilty and she's absolutely adorable. Is it bad that I think she's adorable even when she's worried? "I was going to suggest that just the two of us do Thanksgiving."

"Oh, no Jack. I can't let you do that. Not just for me," she says in a rush, jumping to her feet.

"Juliet and Shawn are going to be working on Thanksgiving," I explain calmly. "So I mean, if you don't have Thanksgiving with me, neither of us get it." Is that a cruel little trick? Maybe. Do I feel bad about it? Nope.

"I think I can handle you making me food," Kim tells me with a little smile.

"I can't cook to save my life," I admit.

"I can't either…" Kim taps her lips with a finger and lightly taps her little foot.

"Thanksgiving pizza?" I ask awkwardly, knowing how stupid that sounds.

"That sounds great, Jack."

"Kim, you home?" I call through the seemingly empty house. It seems so much bigger when I'm alone.

I hear gentle music coming from the dining room. It's strings and horns and percussion and stuff. Educated people music. It's boring.

I kick off my shoes and hang up my light coat. I walk deeper into the house where all the lights are off except a shallow glow from... candles? My suspicion is further deepened when I hear Kim gently humming. I can never get over how angelic this girl's voice is. "Kim!" I call again and this time she tears me.

"Hi Jack," Kim smiles sweetly at me and I smile back.

"What… what's all this?" I ask in awe. The dining room is gorgeous. Kim set out all of Juliet's nice dishes, a tablecloth is set and she all ready has some kind of fruity looking drinks poured for the two of us?

"Is it too much?" Kim asks, sounding hesitant and shrinking a little. Will this girl ever have her self-confidence back?

"No. This is awesome. You really outdid yourself given that we're just having pizza," I remind her, holding up the box of DiGiorno's. She blushes and it's adorable. My phone rings in my pocket before either of us can say anything else. "Hello?" I ask, not recognizing the number.

"Jack?" It's Jerry's mom.

"Hi Mrs. Martinez. Happy Thanksgiving!" I greet happily.

"Jack, Jerry's in the hospital," she says and I can hear the shakiness in her voice.

"What?" I shout into the l **Inside Jack's Head**

It's been about two weeks since I watched Kim break up with Brett. It's been a good and a rough two weeks, I guess. She's doing fine in school and loving her job. She's still pretty reserved, but she's back at the lunch table.

I could be wrong, but I think this may be a hard week for her. It'll be her first Thanksgiving out of the house. I want to invite her to a good Spencer Thanksgiving, but Juliet and Shawn are both working on a case. Some asshole stole the entire Toys for Tots bin from the central court at the mall. Jerry tried to stop the guy himself, but Jerry got his ass beat. He's okay, though. There's a lot of other petty, personal cases Shawn is knee deep in.

So that leaves me and Kim alone for Thanksgiving. It makes me wish I could cook. Even though it's just me and her, I want to give her a nice meal, you know? She deserves it. She needs a good, fun holiday to keep her mind off of things.

I get up out of my bed with the resolution to at least talk to her. I pull on my usual jeans and pull on a black v-neck. I don't know why I always wear v-necks. It's just my own little thing, I guess. Whatever. I think it works.

I tip across the hardwood hallway floor and gently knock on the door.

"Come in!" Kim calls from the other side.

I open the door and stop dead in my tracks. She's on a yoga mat she brought herself. She's in tight black leggings and a very form fitting teal blue performance tee. Salutations to the Sun pose…

"What's up, Jack?" Kim asks me, her eyes still closed, probably focusing on the stretch but in a different way than I am.

I collect my head and get on to it. "Thanksgiving is this week, so I was," Kim sighs deeply and opens her eyes before I can finish speaking my thought.

"No," she tells me flatly. "I don't want to be dragged along to a big Thanksgiving where I don't know everyone. I don't want to answer my I'm there with you, Shawn, and Juliet while I'm there. I don't want to see people looking at me or talking behind my back. Thanks, but I'm good."

I actually expected that. "That is not what I was going to say at all." She looks guilty and she's absolutely adorable. Is it bad that I think she's adorable even when she's worried? "I was going to suggest that just the two of us do Thanksgiving."

"Oh, no Jack. I can't let you do that. Not just for me," she says in a rush, jumping to her feet.

"Juliet and Shawn are going to be working on Thanksgiving," I explain calmly. "So I mean, if you don't have Thanksgiving with me, neither of us get it." Is that a cruel little trick? Maybe. Do I feel bad about it? Nope.

"I think I can handle you making me food," Kim tells me with a little smile.

"I can't cook to save my life," I admit.

"I can't either…" Kim taps her lips with a finger and lightly taps her little foot.

"Thanksgiving pizza?" I ask awkwardly, knowing how stupid that sounds.

"That sounds great, Jack."

"Kim, you home?" I call through the seemingly empty house. It seems so much bigger when I'm alone.

I hear gentle music coming from the dining room. It's strings and horns and percussion and stuff. Educated people music. It's boring.

I kick off my shoes and hang up my light coat. I walk deeper into the house where all the lights are off except a shallow glow from... candles? My suspicion is further deepened when I hear Kim gently humming. I can never get over how angelic this girl's voice is. "Kim!" I call again and this time she tears me.

"Hi Jack," Kim smiles sweetly at me and I smile back.

"What… what's all this?" I ask in awe. The dining room is gorgeous. Kim set out all of Juliet's nice dishes, a tablecloth is set and she all ready has some kind of fruity looking drinks poured for the two of us?

"Is it too much?" Kim asks, sounding hesitant and shrinking a little. Will this girl ever have her self-confidence back?

"No. This is awesome. You really outdid yourself given that we're just having pizza," I remind her, holding up the box of DiGiorno's. She blushes and it's adorable. My phone rings in my pocket before either of us can say anything else. "Hello?" I ask, not recognizing the number.

"Jack?" It's Jerry's mom.

"Hi Mrs. Martinez. Happy Thanksgiving!" I greet happily.

"Jack, Jerry's in the hospital," she says and I can hear the shakiness in her voice.

"What?" I shout into the line and turn it on speaker phone so Kim can hear, too. "What happened?"

"Jerry tried to commit suicide, Jack. He's in the hospital."

"We're coming now. Kim's with me. Meet us in the lobby," I tell her and hang up. I look to Kim and she's completely frozen. "Kim, come on! We need to go!" I shout at her, shaking her shoulders. "Kim!" I shout again and she snaps back to reality.

"Okay," she says weakly, her body trembling now. I take her hand and lead her out of the house. "Great. We don't have a ride." I look up and down the street. I need to focus on getting us to Jerry, not focusing on the idea that one of the people I'm closest to just tried to kill himself. How the fuck am I supposed to focus! Come on!

"I'll call Milton. I don't know if he knows." Before I can get my phone back out, Milton pulls up in his mom's Jeep Wrangler.

"Get in!" Milton shouts and I do as ordered, dragging Kim with me. "We have to see," Milton tries but I cut him off.

"We know."

We get to the hospital in record time and there's Jerry's mom, waiting for us outside under the hospital canopy.

"I'm so glad you all came!" Mrs. Martinez shouts. I'll never understand why her English is better than Jerry's. I know it seems like a cold thing to think about, but I need to know Jerry's okay before I even think about him. I'm not even sure that makes sense.

I realize as we get into the elevator that I'm still holding Kim's hand. I try to let go, but she feels it and squeezes my hand harder. Her face is stone cold. I can't tell if she's trying not to cry or if she's not able to right now. She just looks… shut down.

Milton's eyes are doing that thing when they fly all over the place, taking in everything and nothing at the same time. He's trying not to have a panic attack, is what he's doing. Mrs. Martinez is about to have an emotional breakdown. I'm the closest one in this elevator to sanity. I don't know if that makes me a bad person, or if there just needs to be one of me in every group. Now I just sound arrogant.

The elevator dings and the doors slowly slide open to a dead quiet hallway. I can almost hear the orange scented floor cleaner drying. I'm snapped back as Mrs. Martinez lightly touches my shoulder, my que to lead the troops out. She tells me his room is 242, so I head that way.

The door's open just a crack, so I lightly knock and tip-toe in. "Hey buddy," I say quietly as the three of us fill in. His mom stays outside. I think she knows that just the four of us need to talk without a parent. We may still be kids, but there are some things we need to just take care of ourselves.

"Hey," Jerry responds, just looking up at the ceiling. His usual endless energy is completely missing from his voice.

The three of us stand around awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

"I'm sorry, Jerry. None of us knew…" Milton starts off with what I think we all were thinking.

"What happened, Jer?" Kim asks, her first words in ten minutes.

Jerry swallows hard, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. He looks like he wants to talk, but he doesn't say anything.

"It's all right, buddy. Take your time, or don't say anything yet. It's okay," I offer as Kim and Milton sit down on chairs and I sit on the foot of the bed next to Jerry's feet, covered by a shitty, thin hospital blanket.

Jerry nods and stares at the ceiling still. I take his hand in mine and give it a squeeze, something I've never done before. Jerry squeezes back and finally looks at me. His eyes are glassy and are filled with an emotion I can't even place.

"It's okay, buddy," I tell him and squeeze his hand again. "It's okay." Tears are in all of our eyes, now. "We're just glad you're still here. Whatever made you do this, we'll see you through it. We always will. You know that."

Jerry doesn't break eye contact as he nods and swallows again. He finally breaks and I lean down to hug him the best I can. Kim and Milton are watching us, but seem stuck there. I motion for them and they awkwardly join the group hug, the four of us crying together now.

As I think about it, I start to realize that Jerry cares a lot more than he's ever let on. He's only ever had toxic relationships and his last one was the ugliest any of us had ever seen. She was so rough it almost cost him being one of the group. His grades are atrocious. He's street smart and garage smart, but he can't be bothered to apply himself to school. He hasn't even talked about leaving his mom's, and there's the whole business with his cousin Chewy. He occasionally drops hints that he's over the girl but not over what she did to him and what he did to us while with her. We gave him advice every step of his last two years and he's turned a deaf ear to every little bit. That's a full plate when you're seventeen.

"I need help, guys," Jerry mutters and I hug him tighter.

"I know, Jer. We know," Kim soothes him. "We're all here for each other, right?"

 **This chapter goes out to a good buddy of mine, someone I should have kept a better eye on. This shit is really out there, and it happens to good people you never want it to and to people you'd never expect until it happens. Please look out for the ones you love, and always be there for them when you ask how they're doing and be there when they need someone. It can save a life.**


	13. Christmas

**The song for this chapter is, fittingly, "Christmas" by Olivia Holt. It's a beautiful cover.**

 **Assuming Kim**

Do you know that feeling of when you think you're going to cry, but you haven't? That thing where your throat feels like it's closing up, where you think you're gagging or, or choking? Your eyes feel strained like they want to burst? I have that right now.

Juliet walks in the room and stops. "Hey there, kiddo. You okay?" she asks, her head slightly tilted to the side.

"Yeah," I lie, barely able to get the word out. "I'm just not feeling the best today." Truth.

"Anything you need to talk about?" Juliet asks with a frown as she comes in and sits on my bed.

"First Christmas away from home."

"Ah," Juliet responds, and I can tell she's thinking now.

"Hey, how about you come with us for Christmas. There's nothing like an O'Hara family Christmas," she offers with a smile.

I sigh aloud and chew on it. "I really appreciate it, but I don't know," I finally reply, hugging my knees to my chest. "I'd feel really weird."

"I understand that," Juliet says and starts rubbing my back. "But I think that a little bit of awkward followed by a lot of fun is better for you than sitting at home in solid sadness." Why does she have to be so good with words?

I swallow deeply and wring my hands. I don't know why that's a nervous thing I do, but it is. "Okay," I agree with a little nod. I don't like it, but Juliet wouldn't push me into a situation that she knows I wouldn't like. There isn't a single mean bone in this lady's body.

"I'm so glad you'll come with us!" Juliet almost squeals and wraps me in a tight hug. "Come on, it's supper time."

* * *

I'm sitting on the couch and watching Netflix all by my lonesome when a wild Jack appears, jumping over the back of the couch and landing flawlessly on the cushion next to me.

"So, tomorrow's Christmas," Jack tells me with no detectable tone. "What are your plans?" he asks, trying to sound genuinely curious, but I know him too well.

"Juliet all ready talked to me. I'm with tou guys tomorrow," I tell him with no excitement. There is no excitement in me.

"We'll have fun, I promise," Jack says and nudges me with his elbow, his confident smile in place. It's contagious, and I feel myself smiling back a little. "Wait a minute," he continues. "What's up? Why don't you want to go?"

"For the same reasons I didn't want to do Thanksgiving, Jack," I say with a roll of my eyes. That hasn't changed.

"Kim, it'll be fine," Jack says reareassuringly, yet softly. His hand is on my shoulder now, gently rocking me. I know it's supportive. I wish it wasn't, that it was more, but I'm not ready for there to be more. I hate it. I feel like such a cliché.

"I'm sure it will be. I'm just... anxious about it, I guess."

"I get that. I remember my first Christmas with Shawn and Juliet. I felt just like I'm sure you do. They're great people, though. They'll love you," Jack tells me, and I can see it in his eyes that he means it, that he knows I'll be okay. Juliet knows it, too. Maybe I'm just making too big of a deal about it.

* * *

The drive out to Juliet's mom's house wasn't bad. Kinda long, but I had Jack's Nintendo DS, so "Nintendogs" happened. My game, not his, of course.

This house is huge. It's huge and it's really red. It'd be like living in a giant tomato, and for some reason, I'm oddly okay with that. There's cars all over, too. I kinda wanna just hide in the Volkswagen because there must be _so many_ people here!

"All right, let's get this done," Shawn says as he opens up his door, a pineapple upside down cake in his other hand. He doesn't seem overly excited to be here, either.

"Come on, Shawn. You do this every year. You know you're going to have fun," Juliet argues with Shawn's mood.

"I will not, Jules. You might as well call this 'Fort I Hate It Here.'" I try to stiffle a laugh because I know this means a lot to Juliet, but I'm on Shawn's side.

"C'mon, Kim. We'll go have fun," Jack says with a smile as he unbuckles his seatbelt. He reaches over and unfastens mine, too, and I can't hold back a laugh.

"Okay," I give in through my laughter. We get out and head up a cute cobblestone walkway to the house and Jack knocks before entering.

"Hey guys!" Jack calls, and the house answers back with a bunch of 'hey's and 'hi's. They seem really friendly all ready, but they don't know I'm here. "Come on, Kim. Let's introduce you to some of the family."

"No, Jack, it's okay. Just show me to the punch bowl and I will quietly and happily survive the night in that spot."

"All right, I'll take it," Jack concedes and I lightly smile at him. "Swing ny every now and then," I smile again and head off to the punch bowl.

As soon as I get to the kitchen, I'm blown away. It's a beautiful fucking kitchen. I'm a sucker for dark woods and marble. The sinks and frindge are so shiny, too! The dishwasher is set into the wall and not a free floating, in the way island monstrosity like the one at my parents house. I don't even think it works. Nothing in that house does, including my dad. BOOM!

The first person I notice in the kitchen is, of all people, Jerry. I didn't expect him to be here.

"Merry Christmas, Jerry!" I greet him from across the room with a mile wide smile. "I'm so happy to see someone I know here," I tell him honestly as we share a quick hug. "What aare you doing here, anyway?"

"Well, it was either this or spend Christmas at tje Martinez compound. Do you know how awkward it is to be surrounded by roughly thirty Latino familia one month after trying to kill yourself?" My blank stare tells him I don't. "I don't either, but I don't want to."

"That's fair," I give him with a shrug of my shoulders. "How are you doing? Really."

"Asi Asi," Jerry tells me, his hand waving this way and that. "I'm doing the therapy thing, so that's cool, I guess. I'm actually trying in school, and thst helps. I feel better about myself, ya know?"

"Yeah, I do."

"What about you, chica? How you doing?" Jerry asks honestly, lightly punching my arm before filling me a white tea cup with the cherry Sherbet and 7-Up punch. I sigh and Jerry smirks a little, the two of us living together in cynicism.

"I don't like holidays. I haven't in a long time," I tell him.

"I hear that. Wanna tell me 'bout yours?"

"It was all right in the morning. On Easter and Christmas morning we'd go to church. Me and my sister opened the gifts we got. More of those were from our aunt and grandparents than Mom and Dad. Our stockings were mostly peanuts and fruit because it's cheaper than chocolate."

"Sounds about right. Ours was the same." Jerry nods and takes a sip, slurping way louder than necessary. He's still Jerry, and makes me so fucking happy. "Go on."

"Christmas was fine until my dad started drinking. My sister and I soent more time playing with each other's toys than anything else for the first part of the day. My dad started drinking around the time Mom started making dinner."

"I've seen old Chuck skunked a couple times. You never know what kind you're gonna get." Jerry even knows!

"Christmas Chuck was just depressing. He listened to the same song over and over all day. 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.'"

"That song is pretty depressing. The name's totally misleading," Jerry chuckles.

"Christmas is supposed to be happy and stuff, right? I mean, look at Jack's family here. _Everyone_ is laughing and having a good time. They're enjoying each other's company and having fun being alive. What _the fuck_ kind of Christmas is it if you don't know if you want to be alive or not?" It was a rhetorical question, but I know it's one Jerry is familiar with.

"Have you thought about visiting home at all over break?" Jerry asks, and it gives me pause.

"I haven't. I've been so busy thinking about how much I don't want to see my dad, that I haven't thought about seeing my mom and sister."

"That's two to one, Kim. You know you're mom and sister want to see you. It's your first Christmas without them, but it's your mom and sister's first Christmas without _you_ , too."

"You're right, Jer," I say quietly, my chest hurting and my eyes starting to dampen. "I miss my mom and Anne so much. I don't think Anne even knows why I left."

"I think you need to see them, Kim. It'd be good for you and them. Just make sure tou have a way out, you know? Incase something happens with ole Padre."

"Yeah. I'm scared about the whole idea, but... I think that's a step to me being stronger."

"Hey!" Jack says, coming over to us. "Jerry, I'm glad you came," Jack tells him and gives him a quick hug. I know they both felt awkward, but the sentiment was worth it. "Ready for presents?"

"Yeah, why not," Jerry shrugs and moves off.

"I love watching people get presents," I say with a smile. "I love the looks on people's faces when they get something great, or something they weren't expecting."

"Let's see what you get," Jack winks at me and I don't know what he's expecting.

We get to the living room and everyone is crammed in there. The kids are all huddled on the floor together and it's adorable. Under the biggest tree I've actually seen in a house, is a mongo pile of beautifully wrapped gifts. I've seen things like this on the Hallmark channel, but I nenever knew it was real.

Me and Jack stood in the doorway the entire time the exchange went on, and I loved watching the whole thing. It sounds stupid and yes, clichéd, but it made my heart happy. Jerry even had presents!

"All right!" Shawn says as he gets to the last of the gifts. "Last but not least, also joining us for the first time, K.C.!" What?

"How much did you guys spend on me?" I ask, a look of what I'm sure seems like horror on my face.

"That's not all from us," Jack says. "Our family is really loving and inclusive, Kim. You're one of us now, okay?" I still can't believe it. It's not that I'm getting things, but that these people care enough to get me gifts. I don't know them and they don't know me, but they still care this much.

The first gift reaches me and of course, it's from Jack. My heart is racing because Jack always gives the best gifts. Our gifts to each other are always from the heart. I slowly peel off the wrapping, and I instantly smile from ear to ear. It's his Seaford Whales hoody that I had borrowed from him last winter because someone had pulled the fire alarm. He gave it to me and I held on to it for three months before giving it back. Again, my heart is happy.

The second present is from Shawn and Juliet. I open it to find a brand new Nintendo DS. "Now you can stop stealing Jack's. Now we all have one. Except Jules. Jules is boring," Shawn says and the room laughs.

The rest of the gifts are games, gift cards, and clothes. Juliet's brother in the army, Ewin, explains that Juliet sent out my sizes. It's a little awkward, but these clothes are so nice!

"Thank you, everyone. I feel bad because you got me _all_ of this, and I came empty handed," I lament.

"Don't sweat it, K.C." Shawn tells me with a chuckle. "Find me a seventeen year old who isn't strapped for cash and I'll show you his mom's purse. We're all just really glad you came. So accept it, smile, and don't return anything," Shawn tells me, and I do smile.

"Jack, I think you're missing something, little bro," Ewin tells Jack with a full bodied laugh. "Look up."

We look uo together, and my heart stops. Of course, we've been standing under a spring of mistletoe the whole time. We look back down at each other, and then to Shawn and Juliet, who are both smiling like idiots.

I look at Jack again, and he's staring right at my slightly parted lips. My breathing hitches, and his eyes change just a little. He caught that hitch. Before either of us can make anything out of it, we chastely press our lips together for an innocent, but I really can't lie, delightful little kiss. I hate that I like it because I think this is only going to lead to problems in the future, but maybe this is going to be its own little thing and die here. Jack might want to talk about it later, but if I can help it, I'll leave it behind.

* * *

Jack dropped me off at my parents house, and he didn't mention the kiss the whole time. It's the first time I've been here since October. It's not that long ago, but it feels like it's been an age. Anyone else who's been in my position knows how I feel. When you're seventeen and you give up on the one thing you've known and start all over again... each month feels like a year. I know I'm not that much older, but with everything I've learned in such amount of time, I feel like a new person.

After enough staring at the front door, I walk up the cracking concrete walkway to the house. I knock and wait. If the knock wasn't heard, the chocolate lab, Jasmine, was. That dog has a loud ass bark!

I'm not waiting long when my eleven year old sister, Anne, opens the door. Her eyes immediately get watery, and mine do, too. "Kim!" she shouts and throws herself at me. "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas, Anne!" I tell her back through my tears. I can't believe I haven't seen this girl in three months. She looks the same, but I can feel just from the hug that she's grown up. Without me. Of course she has. I hug her tighter as I realize that because I'm gone... she doesn't have me to protect her. She doesn't have a line of defense anymore. She has to take care of herself when Dad drinks and goes on a rampage. She's right in his mental and emotionally abusive path. What have I done to this sweet little thing?

"I'm happy to see you, too," Anne tells me through her own tears, thinking that mine are from joy. Some of them are. "We're just about to have pie and eggnog." Anne takes my hand and pulls me in. "Mom! Dad! Kim's here!" she calls and I feel my eyes involuntarily bug out. I was hoping for something a little more subtle. I'm also guessing by Anne's bluntness, neither Mom or Chuck told Anne why I was gone. She didn't ask, but I think I have to have that talk later. Anne's a smart girl, though. She might know and know better than to say anything.

"Merry Christmas, Kim. I was hoping you would come by," my mom says softly with a smile. Is it weird that neither of us tried to hug? "Would you like some pie?" she asks like nothing's wrong, but that's pretty much how she's always operated.

"No, thanks, I'm okay. There's more for you and Anne if I don't have any," I tell her, Anne still holding onto my hips.

"Please, Kim? It's good. I want you to have some!" Anne says, her little brown eyes shining up at me.

"Hey! There she is!" Chuck says, and he actually sounds... happy... to see me. "I was wondering if you were going to stay a stranger or if we'd at least get to see you for a while."

"Hey, Dad," I say with a smile. It's more nervous than anything, but it's a smile. "How've you been?"

"Nothing new. Same old everything since you left. Do you have a minute to talk for just a bit?" he asks, but I don't feel like it's a trap or anything. I don't think he means anything bad...

"Yeah, sure," I tell him, and Anne lets me go. I follow him into his 'office,' which is actually a room with a desk, bookshelves, and a computer. "What's up?" I ask, pretending I'm not nervous at all.

"How are you doing?" he asks as he sits down in his favorite old rocking chair. My grandpa built it.

"Uh, good I guess." I don't even know if that's true or not right now. "How have things here been?" I have no idea what's happening here anymore.

"We miss you, Kim. You moved out. I don't think either of us are happy about how it happened, but it did. You're a young woman, and it was your time to go. I didn't see it then, but I've been thinking about it a lot since," he says, and I'm completely shocked by it.

"I'm taking care of myself a lot. I have a job now, Dad. I'm doing great in school. I'm doing okay." Compared to where I was three months ago, I am doing better. I have a lot of healing to do still, but I'm doing better. I'm getting there.

"I know you're okay. You're a strong young woman. You're a Crawford. I know we have problems, Kim, but I don't want that to break the family. I know you're working and in school, but if you ever feel like coming for a visit, we'd love to have you." He sounds serious. We're not tearing each other's throats out. What the fuck is happening. "I know you won't move back in, and I'm not asking you to. Just keep coming around, okay? You're still my daughter."

I'm stunned. I'm trying to form words but my brain is just creating static. I didn't think this was going to happen this morning. I didn't think this was going to happen ten minutes ago. "I'll see you Sunday?" Did that just come out of my mouth? Are my brain and vocal chords just doing things without communicating to my present psyche?

"We'll set a place for dinner," Chuck says with a genuinely warm smile. Let's see how long this lasts.

* * *

 **I'm sorry it took me so long to update, but this story is really sensitive material to me. It's not easy to write. It kicks up some old stuff, but writing this is therapeutic, you know? Bear with me on slow updates, okay?**


	14. Spirit of Life

**A/N: Please listen to Blackmill's "Spirit of Life" while you read.**

 **Assuming Jack**

 **April**

Today's my birthday. Yes, I'm turning 18 and am in Junior year. Things got complicated with the scheduling for school when I started. I had to do testing and stuff to know what I could do and what class to throw me in. I got stuck in "conditional first grade." I still don't know what that shit was.

I need to hide it from Kim that it's my birthday. She's the kind of girl that feels bad about receiving presents, but loves giving them. This doesn't seem like a problem, but Kim is such a hard worker, and plans things so well. I don't want her to spend any money on me. She works hard for it.

Kim has a "three part paycheck," as she calls it. One-third goes to her savings, another third goes to "Kim Things" and the last third goes to the "Shawn Hunt," the thing where she leaves money in places for Shawn to find.

What Kim doesn't know (and won't find out) is that Shawn's not an idiot. Well, I mean, she knows Shawn's not an idiot. What I mean is that Shawn knows it's from Kim, but Kim doesn't know Shawn knows. He told me how much he respects Kim's want to help back. What she also doesn't know is that Shawn and Juliet are putting that money back into an account for her college, should she choose to go.

"Hey Jack?" Shawn asks, knocking on my open door.

"Hey Dad," I say as I pause practicing my forms. "What's up?"

"So, me and Jules were thinking. You're officially eighteen now. Today. Now I'm not pushing you. This is only if you want…"

"Oh my God, Dad. Just… what?" If I don't make him get to the point, he never will.

"My best friend Gus inherited his uncle's house. He's had it a while, but after the whole grieving thing, he finally knows what he wants to do with it," Shawn explains kind of. I'm still trying to figure out what he's getting at, but I think I have a good idea. "He's going to rent it out. That way it's still in the family and he can keep an eye on it. I suggested you and Kim!" He finally drops the second shoe.

"That's a great… wait. Did you say me AND Kim?" That is not what I expected.

"I did. He's willing to rent it out for $400 a month between the two of you, including utilities. It's a steal, dude."

I'm speechless. He wants me and Kim, KIM, to move in together? I feel like this is a little weird. "Have you talked to Mom about this? Me and Kim are young and not even dating. And you want us to move in together? Doesn't that seem… scandalous? And God have mercy on my soul for having used that word," I add as an afterthought.

"I have talked to Jules. We trust you two to not do anything stupid. We're not even worried about that, anyway. We know you two are smart enough, and you two have lived here together for months, so you both know you can live together without being dumb and childish." He and Juliet have talked about this to some length, I can tell.

"Uh… I'll talk to Kim, I guess," I say with a shrug. This situation, even the idea, still seems surreal. Let me say again; me and Kim LIVING together. Just us! I feel like that is how me and Kim become "more than just friends." Of course, not, you know… doing anything dumb. Birds and bees dumb. That's just a way to get us… couple, together. Shawn is right, not we're not dumb.

"Sweet! You do that," Shawn says and leaves the room after punching me in the arm.

I put a shirt on and head over to Kim's room. The door's closed, so I'm assuming she's absolutely clueless about the talk we're going to have. I knock on the door and Kim tells me to come in with an even voice, no emotion to it at all.

"Hey Kim, you okay?" I ask as I enter and close the door behind me. She's laying on her bed, chewing on her lip and writing something down in a notebook.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah," she says and looks up at me, finally smiling. "What's up, Jack?"

"Got a minute?" I ask as I sit next to her laid out body. Her ankles are crossed and her back naturally bows with her seal-like position. She has a nice, strong back with a great curve to it from years of gymnastics and martial arts.

"If you didn't think I did, would you have closed the door behind you and sat on my bed?" she answers and challenges me at the same time.

"Touché," I say with an awkward chuckle. I didn't think it was that bad till it left my mouth. "So, uh, I just talked to Shawn…"

"Oh no…" Kim whispers, her brown eyes turning to saucers. "About what? Did he peak at your present? I told him not to go snooping! He told you what I got you!"

"No, no he didn't!" I rush to Shawn's defense.

"Okay, good," Kim tells me with a happier, relaxed smile. Anyway, what's up?" We're back on track. Kim's also known me since I moved here at the beginning of our freshman year, so I should have figured she memorized my birthday. I'm having a slow day.

"Okay, so anyway,"

"Oh, and happy birthday!" she grins and pounces, giving me a big hug. I laugh and hug her back. It is my turn for my eyes to get wide though, when I feel Kim's soft lips kiss my cheek. It's the first time since Christmas that I've felt her lips, and it immediately brings me back to that mistletoe memory for a second before I can snap back. I don't want to linger on that too long.

"Thanks. But Kim, I need you to focus now. We really need to talk," I stress. "I'm eighteen now. And Shawn and Juliet have talked about it,"

"You're moving out?" she guesses quietly, and her jaw drops. Her eyes get glassy and she looks like she's about to cry.

"Hear me out," I try to slow her mind down, but I can tell by her expression that she's anxiously waiting on my every word now. "Gus," who she also knows well through me and my parents, "has a house that he's going to rent."

"Okay," she says and she nods. I watch as she swallows deeply, her little Adam's apple bobs up and down once.

"$400 a month including utilities. Shawn and Juliet said between us that we can afford it." I hope she catches that little "us" I threw in there.

Kim sits there, blinking at me. She's not saying anything.

"Kim?" I try, making sure she's still with me. "Hello?"

"We're supposed to move in together?" she finally speaks.

"It's not that we're supposed to, it's that we can. You know, like roommates," I make sure to clarify.

"Are you ready to move out, let alone take me with you?" Kim asks. It's a fair question.

"Yeah, I think so. We both have jobs, we're both responsible. Shawn and Juliet pointed out that we already know we can live together." I'm throwing out positives, and I don't want her to think I'm pushing her.

"I know you're not trying to pull me into anything, Jack." She's good. "It's just not something I want us, or at least me, to jump into." She's a smart girl. "I guess I'm just worried, you know? I know there are other seventeen year olds out there that buy their own way, but I'm the only one I know."

"It's okay, Kim. We don't have to. It's just a thought," I tell her. She still looks pensive, so I wrap one arm around her. She leans in just a bit, but she doesn't put her head on my shoulder or anything. "But I think I have to take the offer."

"You have to?" I question. I'm not challenging her, but the wording makes me think she's got something big and personal on her mind.

"Yeah. I ran away from home. I asked for this, for adulthood. If I have a shining opportunity to take a bigger step into independence, than I need to take it. And Shawn and Juliet won't have to take care of me anymore, too," she said with a light smile.

I scoff at her. "Kim, you do your own laundry. You do Easter egg hunts with Shawn to help pay for your utilities. You do the house's dishes before anyone can tell you no. For seventeen, you're pretty damn independent."

Kim sits there, looking deep in thought. I think she's really chewing on my words. She smiles brighter this time when she looks at me. "You're right, Jack. We can do this. Let's do it. Let's move in together. You know, as a mutual economic agreement. Plutonic."

"Yes! Exactly." We have achieved same page status!

XxX

Kim's been packed for three days now. She has a lot less shit than I do. She has one of Shawn's old TVs. One of those tube TVs, not a flat screen. She has a dresser, a nightstand, her duffle and a collection of books. That is all she has. She hasn't acquired anything new, really. I think she's been living light because she doesn't expect to live in one place long. I'm still not sure she's ever really felt she belongs here.

Speaking of who I was just thinking about, Kim knocks on my open door. "Hey Jack," she smiles and invites herself in. "Looks like you're almost done," she observes.

"Yeah," I confirm. "I just taped up the last box. Come have a sit before we start loading up," I tell her and pat the bare mattress.

"Alright," she shrugs and joins me. "Everything okay?" she asks me.

"I was about to ask you the same thing. I also really want to ask… did you ever really feel like you, you know, actually lived here?"

Kim chews her lip, which she seems to be doing a lot of lately. "I feel like I live at your place, and Shawn and Juliet's house. I feel like I live here, but it's never been for me to say my house. With the new house, I think I'll better be able to say 'my' house." I really do feel better knowing that she'll probably feel more comfortable where we're going. It's a lot closer to school, so we can walk together, too.

"Did you hate living here?" I ask next. I don't mean to interview her, but I really want her to say no.

"I never hated it here. I remember at first, I would just sit on a chair or on the end of the couch and not say a word while you guys, the real happy family did your bonding thing." Well that's not what I wanted at all. "That made me feel out of place. But after a while, I warmed up. You guys warmed me up. I didn't feel like part of the family, but I felt welcome, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," I tell her. I know exactly what she means. I can see in her eyes that she knows that I really do. "I was new to the family once, too. Just like you were when you moved in, and just like you were at Christmas. But this living without parents thing, the us being the head of the house, we're both doing this for the first time together."

"Yeah, we are. But Jack, there's a memory I'd like to share with you about the first month I was here."

I take her hand and tell her, "I'm all ears."

"I want to say it was my first month… monthiversary, I guess. You were at a sleepover with Jerry and Milton and Juliet was at a convention for work or something. Anyway, me and Shawn were here alone." I have no idea where this is going, but it's a weird way to start a story.

"It was like, 2:00 a.m. Shawn knocked on my door," she continues, "and he asked if I was still up. I was a little hesitant, but I said 'yeah.'" I'm still waiting to figure out what she's trying to tell me. "He asked if I wanted to hang out. It was Friday night, so he didn't think I'd miss the sleep, so I went to chill with Shawn.

"I could tell he had a few too many drinks. But he was just hanging out on the couch and listening to music from the laptop. He played a song from a group called Blackmill, I think it was. Spirit of Life."

"Oh shit," I breathe, knowing that song. "That's Shawn's healing song."

"Yeah," Kim nods and swallows deeply. Her eyes glass over and I can see she's about to cry, but I won't try to stop this one. I can tell she needs it. "Shawn told me all about him and his dad, and his parents' divorce and what it did to him, that things are still far from great with his dad. I told him everything, Jack. My childhood, me trying to be Ann's mom because my mom didn't have the strength with what my dad is doing, and my Dad sure wasn't doing any parenting. And I told him about Brett not being able to be there for me. I told him that I felt like I betrayed Ann for leaving her behind."

Kim's tears are freely running now, accompanied by the occasional sniffle. I can only hold her while she lets it out. "I told Shawn all about the cutting. He asked why, and I told him that I was too young to drink, and too young to smoke, but that I needed something. Shawn hugged me and we just listened to that song until we both stopped crying."

I'm speechless. I wish I was there to cry with them. "I wish I was there, Kim. I wish I could have shared with you guys. I want you to know that the three of you are the most important people in my life right now. And this, us moving, isn't going to split anything."

"What really bugs me, is that me and Shawn shared so much that night. I feel like we're all so close now, but I still don't feel like I'm home," my dearest friend laments.

"I know," I whisper, brushing her hair with my knuckles. "It's not the people that make home. You can be anywhere with the right people, Kim, but home, your home, is the place you make. This house was always made. Your room was made for you, but you didn't make it. We'll be making our place starting today. That will be our home because it's ours to make. Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah, it does," Kim confirms and sits up straight, wiping tears from her eyes.

"Shawn and Juliet will always be your big brother and sister, but I understand that this could never be your home, and I think you get that, too, now." I get that I'm an eighteen year old kid, but there are just some things that are learned young, and once you learn it, experience it, you just… know how to say it. That's what happened right here.

"I'm scared but excited, you know?" Kim asks with a little laugh.

"Yeah, I do. But when have the two of us NOT been able to do something? We'll figure it out. We'll get you on your own two feet like you always wanted to be. We'll show your dad that you don't need him. We'll show him that you're not just where you're next meal is coming from, but that you are where your life is coming from from now on."

Kim lunges forward and wraps me in a tight hug, cracking my back and nearly breaking my spine. I just laugh and rub her back. Kim is finally about to learn what it's like to be her own person. I can't be happier for her.


End file.
